state.

this is not gonna be as lengthy as hksbp's post was. i have a feeling that says- hey, maybe this post wont EVER have an ending. coz you know what? the impact of the state debate was so BIG, i cudnt get myself to forget anything about it. uhuh, i cudnt even find a good word to describe it. it's CRAZY. CRAZY!!


ive never been on any kind of public transports before. ive never ever even owned a bus ticket, nor would i ever imagine myself boarding a bus to go somewhere my mom's probably not gonna approve if i tell her. i cringe at the idea of going to the bus station, because i have a crazy thought that maybe it's somekind of a meeting place for drug dealers and gangsters. i grew up thinking that everyone around me should be treated as a stranger, and that strangers are never to be trusted. i hate it if i have to go somewhere so far from home,a place so strange to me, especially when it comes to having to stay overnight. ooof, the thought of it makes me shudder. seriously, i would never even find myself going to that extent. I WOULD NEVER DARE TO. that is, not before. grenade.


i had a whale of a time during state comp. even before state comp. seriously, i never thought we could make it, especially knowing that we didnt prepare anything for this. we only knew about state a few days before it comes, and even when we knew, we didnt put as much effort on it the way we did for hk. well yeah, i never see it as an important event like hk. it's just something that i think we have to pass, but no pressure should be taken. have fun. make it work. yadda yadda.


ok, we had a bad experience to start with. you know how i really hate public transport, and boarding on a bus was like the last thing i would want to do. but then again, maybe i would have to relent my ego for just a while. there was a glitch back at school the day we were supposed to go to muar. the van suddenly couldnt work, and they had to send it for repair. we had no other choices, so we opted for the bus. but then again, maybe not. they said that it would be such a waste of we were to go there by bus, with just 6 people, so yeah, here comes my biggest nightmare. we had to take THE BUS. as in, the expressway.


it's one thing that we had to take the bus. that's another when we had to take the cab. i was the least comfortable going on a car with someone unfamiliar behind the wheels, but i guess it was just luck that the taxi driver was actually someone quite familiar to the school, so, nothing happened. to put things short, we made it to muar after a few long, nerve-wrecking hours on the bus. ohhhhh, i felt like kissing the road the moment i stepped out of the bus. seriously, i would REALLY do that. if it weren't for the people who looked and stared at us as if we were something that came from outer space. i suddenly thought that i looked like an alien. with the green, oversized shirt and all. maybe we did looked like one. haha. or maybe it was just me.


anyways, we had dinner, which was pretty bogus, because that was the first time that i really had enough courage to eat at a roadside food stall. the food was okay, because i was freakin' starving at the time. and i had a bladder that felt like it would burst in any minutes, upon any pressure exerted. it's not metaphorically explained. it's real.


we spent the night at samura. you shouldve know how thankful i was that i didnt get to meet HER, or i would be doomed for eternity. the last thing i would wanna do (which comes after taking a ride on a public bus) was meeting her again and having to answer her questions (if she was rude or innocent enough to ask) on why i said that i didnt like her, literally. ha. i guess this is karma. you get back what you give. what you give you get back. haha. and i really was that close to meet her face-to-face, when i heard her talking to dhammy outside the sick bay where we were given permission to stay at. i was like, please... dont come in. it felt like i wanted to dig a massive hole and burry myself in it right then and there. you shouldve seen that look on my face. ive never been so scared to someone like this. i kept praying and praying that she wouldnt mention my name, nor would come in and yadda yadda. it didnt help that both syakira and adle were teasing me, making fun of of how nervous i was. well, i should be!! they laughed and i just wanted to roll over and pretend that im dead. thankfully, the whole episode didnt last long. they didnt stay talking to each other for long, and she went away just as sudden as she came. my life was spared.

the next day, we got a lift from the school's van to smk sungai abong. the first time i went there, honestly i was scared. suddenly i was schoolsick. never in my entire life did i ever think of missing my school, thinking that i shoouldve been there rather than anywhere else. but being there, it made me think things through. seriously, im GRATEFUL that mom decided to send me to a girl's school. mom knows best. maybe she knows that i wouldnt be able to deal with all of THIS thing i have to deal with at the school. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, and kinda makes me feel INSECURE. it felt like everywhere i go inside that school, or whatever i do, i would be in need of a partner. even when i need to go to the toilet. ESPECIALLY when i need to go to the toilet.

hu. it's even a miracle that i survived all of that. reminds me of how the first debate we had was at this one boys school in jb. still, this sittuation couldnt compare to what we had to go through there. seriously, i wouldn NEVER in my life go there, nor would i get anywhere close to that place. just thinking of it makes me........... feel insecure.

anyways, the first round (which was actually the 2nd, because we had the prelims as bye), was against smk bentara dalam, segamat. it was okay. and yeah, we won.

semi-finals, against kulai district. again, okay. and we won.

finals-- i only have one word to describe- HEATED. we were so unprepared. we didnt know that the finals was going to be on the next day after the semis, we were told that the finals was supposed to be on sunday. so we didnt prepare anything at all. so, yeah.

still, we won. even when we onle prepared our points in the 1 hour prep time they gave before the debate. it wasnt anything gruelling, since we're kinda used to the 30 mins prior debate style. uhuh. and we won.

it might not be as well described as my post on hk was, but tell you what; it's WAY more adventurous that hk. believe me, i would never in my right mind go somewhere so unfamiliar to me with just rm50 in pocket and no exact plan on where i would spend the night at. and that was just what we did. and we managed. even when we had to walk for 2 miles each and every day we were there to get to the school, because it was far from where we were staying and we couldnt afford to pay for the taximan who would charge us more than enough. still, im pleased. im not dissapointed. it was worth it.

well, there must be a first time for everything. and i had most of my first times when im with the debate family. glad that's a fact. :D

hana.

One







[Onew] The morning sunlight is like you


It might be a little childish, but I like it


[Taemin] If I'm by your side when you wake me up


I have nothing more to wish for


I want to see you






[Key] Don't think that we can't love because we're young


[Jonghyun] Before it's too late


Before I grow older, can you hold onto me?






[All] I love you only, as much as the sky


You truly are the reason I live


I really, really, I want to hug you like crazy


We're still going too fast, right?






[Minho] Whenever our eyes meet


I wonder if the smile that grows on my face


Might reach a corner of your heart


I whisper into the beautiful ear


Inside of your uncertain heart


My feelings of love for you






[Jonghyun] I'll be taking you


Girl, I know without you


[Key] Without you, I miss you


I'll long for you forever


[Minho] My feelings of desire and hope


My love that grows deep again


I can no longer hide them


You are me






[Taemin] My heart will catch you and not let you go


Can you feel it as well?


[Key] Before, oh, it's too late


Before I grow older, can you hold onto me?






[Onew] I know that your heart


Cannot come by my side yet


[Jonghyun] Can I just call you my one?






[All] Let's all together one, two, three, let's begin


You are my one, my everything


I really, really, I want to love you like crazy


I can do that now, right?


I really, really, I want to love you like crazy


I can do that now, right?



life's like dt ;) - ngah, thanks for the PRICELESS quote

waking up this morning, i realized i was going to do something so unusual. i was going back to school, for the first time, without my parents. which in other words, not with my parents. but im still considered lucky because my family's sending me and my sisters. but to me, something luckier could happen, when there's really no one to send us back to school, so we would have to stay at home and be home-schooled. which is kinda absurd, because that would never happen. nor will my parents ever let that happen. EVER.


it's tough, living these 2 weeks of holiday without my parents. being transferred from here to there and never really being at home. it feels a little bit unwanted. and not belonging. my mind's so messed up that i couldnt even get my grammar straight. bless you, grammar skills. please make sure that it'll be  fixed by the time that i get back to school and resume studying. or sir rashid would most probably fill my english modules with d- s again.


for these 2 weeks, i wasnt able to fulfill everything that ive been planning. i wanted to start having REAL tution classes, but my mom wouldnt let me, and insisted that i should just study with my sister. fine, but she forgot the fact that when im at home, i get a little bit too much of everything. which was the real reason that i wanna take tution classes outside home on the first place. so i could focus and restrain myself harder. when im at home, there's always that feeling of wanting to socialise, so i signed in my fb account. which turned out to be a very bad idea, because once i get in, there's like 0.00001% chance of getting out.


and ive also planned to finish watching all of the wgm adam couple eps, but i didnt manage to. because i was busy trying to finish my homework, or i though i was doing that.


and ive also planned to go out with my friends for the first time ever- but that was counted out even before the holiday started. my mom wouldnt let me.


i dont know how i should face my teachers back at school. because my mid year's results was a blast, in a bad way.

stranger; this is for you

there's this one story ive been wanting to tell for so long. it's a story not worth listening for some people out there, because i know that half of the people who's gonna read this will not know anything about the thing im gonna tell them. half of the people wouldnt even know why they wanted to hear it on the first place. half of the people wouldnt even care.

this story is not something that im proud to talk about. this story isnt a way for me to tell the whole world that im worth noticing, and that they should know who i am and what im doing with my life. this is just a story that i think i need to tell everyone because i dont want them to make the same mistakes that i did. because it hurts so much and its entirely gruesome. i wouldnt want other people to experience the same thing that i did in this story. i just couldnt stand the sight of someone being so vulnerable to their own self. it hurts so much when you know that you were capable of stopping something from happening, but because you werent brave enough, you lost something so valuable to you that would never have the chance to redeem anymore. things like that, you know.

a few years back i wouldnt even want to open up this topic or tell this to anyone else. a few years back i didnt have that courage to step up to this one person and tell them what i really feel. a few years back, i couldnt deny the fact that i was truly blinded. i was truly defeated.

standing here today, i could see how different i was back then and right now. im really greatful for who i am this day, especially for those who had the biggest role in making who i am right now.

btw, haha. not gonna tell you the story anyways.

i think this is what they say KARMA.

a few months back, the posts that id written on this blog was all about how paranoid and jumpy my mom could get, and how she really seems to control each and everything that i wanna do. but right now i think im gonna need all of those jumpi-ness and paranoia. because the last thing i wanna do is become someone mom-less. so as long as i have her and him here, i think i'll have to endure those. besides, that's what parents are for. they paradox of becoming a parent is we must make ourselves unneeded, and the paradox of being a child is that you discover you need your parents only after you think you dont.

ive been spending my whole life being independent. i go forth on my own. i went to school trips inside and outside the country on my own. i entered competititions, most of them without my parents' support, because i think i can do this without them, to show them that im independent and strong enough to be let free in this world. and at exactly the moment i stopped listening to my parents, i finally hear what they've been saying all this while. i finally see the reason why they'd stopped me from doing so many things that i thought a teenager like me should get involved with. why my mom was to nervous on letting me going out with my friends on our own, even when i told her that we'd be fine because my friends would lead me all the way. right now when i dont have them around me, being somewhere far away across the oceans and boundaries, that i finally hear all the advices they'd been giving me all this while.

until then, i know that my parents will be waiting. even if i cannot hear them anymore. even if cant feel them, they'll constantly whisper in my ears- dont do this, coz it's gonna harm you. dont trust them, coz they're gonna backstab you. things like that- to protect me from harm. coz that's what parents are supposed to do. and they're doing that not only because they're my parents and they have a duty to fulfill on their behalf. they do that, now i know, because the love me. because im a daughter of theirs. and that paranoia they have of giving too much freedom which id been thinking of as possesiveness, was actually a sense of protectiveness, which all parents will have towards their children. and i can be considered lucky because i still have my parents at the time that i finally realize this.

from this day onwards, i'll still take trips. i'll still take chances. no matter where i go and whom i meet, i'll still take off the way i did from the very beginning. and every once in a while, i'll take a walk and think back about what my parents used to tell me- it's education that drives my life forward.

that's the only thing that my parents are wrong in all of the things they said to me. ibu n ayah, it's not education that's gonna drive my life forward. it's something much more complicated than getting an A+ in add maths, chem, and physics. it's much harder to grasp than rocket science and einstein's e=mc0.

it's something complex, which scientists would call 'an undescribable emotion that creates an almost imaginary bond between two or more complex organisms'.

i call it love.

:D

better than anything else :D



youngwonhii



maybe i should give in

i dnt know how emyl can do this so well. i mean, she's acting like none of this has any effect on her. she's acting so cool all the time. or am i the only one who's taking things too seriously? ouh, i just cant wait to get back to school. maybe i'll just forget things and they wont  bother me anymore. and then when im already over this, i can get back to liking them just the way it was before this. before i knew about any of this.

i guess this is why they say- dont be so excited to uncover a secret- it may change your life forever. i see what they mean by that now. and i really want to act like i dont care and like it doesnt have anything on me. but i cant, because i know and i care too much to just forget about this!

emyl's statements kinda makes me even more sure that it's true. and i dont know why im really, REALLY worried about that. im worried about the fact that they have someone so close to them. im worried that they're getting closer day by day, but i dont have any progress at all. and i have the risk of NEVER  having any chances of having any progress with them at all!!

ok, i know im acting like a dufus right now. ouh, i dont know what else to do, i dont even sound annoying anymore. right now if my sis wants to lock me up in the bathroom again i wouldnt even notice. i would just stare into space and note nothing about the things around me. if a ghost passes by, i wouldnt even be scared, because i couldnt notice, because im too drowned in this problem of mine!!!

ouh, im so pathetic. what am i doing?!!!

ottohkajou?!

:'(

HAEMOPHOBIA : BAD word. at least for me.

Blood phobiaFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to: navigation, search



This article needs attention from an expert on the subject. See the talk page for details. WikiProject Medicine or the Medicine Portal may be able to help recruit an expert. (November 2008)






Blood phobia (also, AE: Hemophobia, BE: Haemophobia) is the extreme and irrational fear of blood. Acute cases of this fear can cause physical reactions that are uncommon in most other fears, specifically vasovagal syncope (fainting).[1] Similar reactions can also occur with trypanophobia and traumatophobia. For this reason, these phobias are categorized as "blood-injection-injury phobia" by the DSM-IV.[2] Some early texts refer to this category as "blood-injury-illness phobia."[3]






Contents [hide]


1 Etiology


2 Treatment


3 See also


4 References










[edit] EtiologyBlood phobia is often caused by direct or vicarious trauma in childhood or adolescence.[3] Though some have suggested a possible genetic link, a study of twins suggests that social learning and traumatic events, rather than genetics, is the primary problem.[4]






[edit] TreatmentThe standard approach to treatment is the same as with other phobias - cognitive-behavioral therapy, desensitization, and possibly medications to help with the anxiety and discomfort. In recent years, the technique known as applied tension, applying tension to the muscles in an effort to increase blood pressure, has increasingly gained favor as an often effective treatment for blood phobia associated with drops in blood pressure and fainting.[5][6][7] [8]

is it over? it cant be

while i was looking through some of taemin's vids this evening, i discovered something that i think i wasnt supposed to know about. well, i think of it that way, because i see myself in a very tangled state when i knew about this. i realized that it wud be better off for me if i didnt know anything about this, like before, but now that i already knew, it's just adding up to the tonnes of problem that im having right now. now, i have more and more reasons to forget and get over my kpop craze. day by day, im having more doubts about this silly fantasy im having with those guys im calling my uppas. should i just do that?

i dont know why i should care, but that's not important. the only thing i know is that i just feel uncomfortable. i feel something tingly deep inside of me when i see that there was someone close to those people ive always been so far from. i feel so..... sick of looking them teasing around and having a great time together. like i think that i should be in that place, spending time with them. i deserve that position beside them, rather than her. i guess that feeling is.... JEALOUSY. could it really be real?

now that the uppas already have someone that could look over them and they feel comfortable with, i guess it's time that i should move on and just think about myself. will that be okay? im afraid that it would be a good thing to do. but staying is most likely only going to give me more things to feel like i should just probably go. just seeing how wonderful they feel being around each other makes me feel bad. and it even makes me feel bad for feeling bad when seeing that they're happy. that's a bad thing, right? i dont want to do anything bad to them. GOSH, i mustve really got it bad.

why am i really doing this anyway? im just some ordinary 17-year old (to be) raging with hormones. maybe it's temporary. maybe i will get over this soon, just the way i easily i got over that silly obsession on cloud 9 candies when i was 7. it's supposed to be that way, right? i'll just imagine those uppas like cloud 9 candies. then maybe things will turn out fine. i can leave them be like the way i let the cloud 9 candies the way they be. it should be fine. yeah. it's gotta be easy.

GOSH, who am i kidding?!! im really confused right now. i think im going to cry right here, right now. i need to talk to someone, but who would be understanding enough to understand me? they might think that im just some silly girl, obsessed with people who i dont even know and never met. im not just some ordinary fan. im serious. and when i say that i wanna meet them, im serious. do i sound like a lunatic saying that out loud? coz i dont feel like one.

huh~ people will never understand. because they dont feel the same way as me. they've never seen what ive seen. not in the bad way.

ohh... im sounding like a lunatic.

taemin uppa!!! im so confused right now!! should i just walk away? SHOULD I?!! ANSWER ME!!

pabo.

:"(

nothing's over

yep, nothing's over. especially my homework.


ive been struggling for the past few days, but still im stuck with the add maths sheets. still no progress. i wonder how much time i would take for the other worksheets- i mean, there's still like another bundle for other subjects- chem, physics, hist, pai,..


and there's also that letter i have to write for the PM.


o, this holiday's really messed-up. i dont feel like im on a vacation or something. it's like im being transferred here and there and i have to survive life on scraps. maybe that's what im really doing right now.

add maths: growing pain. also another way to prove ur iq fails u.

believe me, i tried spending the whole day focusing on finishing the add maths sheet teacher left us with, but the plan was just left to that; a plan. turns out that i cudnt even make it through halfway the whole module. i felt 'overjoyed' to the fact that i had more than 100 problems to solve, and all of them pertaining the most interesting topics; behold- vectors, differentiation, linear progressions and statistics. looks like a complete recipe for a disastrous holiday assignment. uhuh, ive been going through that for 5 years, and God bless me. it's even a surprise that i made through it alive.

ive been left at home parentl-less for one whole week, and trust me, life sucks without them. it's like i would be crying out loud- I WANT MY MOMMY!! in just any minutes from now. of course i miss them dearly. my life's a complete mess without them around. lunch's anything that kak ngah can jumble together and turn into something edible to eat, and dinner, well, let's just say im on a strict diet right now. although id just finished eating a cheese burger from mcd delivery. haha

i dont know what happened to all the good genes. i think it all stopped at my kak ngah- well, she got the good gene alright- fast learner, i think she's got an iq that wud even einstein to shame. or maybe im just exxagerating things because just everybody will seem smart to me, as long as they can solve 6x1 in a flash- that would really impress me,

im pretty sure that i was not born with any good traits, just the plain normal ones. well, no problem with that. im fine with it. i managed to keep in track all these years because i used to just copy what kak ngah used to do, and it worked! but now that she's gone from school and finally in college, i dont know from whom to copy anymore. so i copied myself, which turned out to be a bad idea. believe me, A BAD IDEA.

and im quite positive that i was born with ADHD- a not-so rare mental disease (i guess so, maybe it's classified as that). NO! this doesnt mean im officially announcing myself as being mentally-retarded. ADHD stands for ATTENTION-DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER. see that word disorder over there? so it doesnr necessarily mean im retarded.

this whole ADHD came about when kak ngah was busy trying to explain to me the add maths question i asked her to solve- pretty much every question in those sheets :D. i couldnt get myself to concentrate even for just one minute, and in the end, when she asked me to tell her what i understood, i could come up with nothing. just a blank stare at the walls. thank God i didnt have any drool going down my chin, or would probably be mistaken as a complete dork.

sometimes i question myself, how low could my IQ could be? maybe it's good not to know, because i would just be dissapointed to know anything about thatl better be safe than sorry, ey?

i miss my old days of being a genius. :')

hksbp2 whoop!

to say that i regret spending one whole week just for the sake of debate is ABSURD. in fact, i loved it. having that feeling where finally people recognize you, and sometimes fearing your presence. hahaha,, seriously, that's the most wonderful feeling. in the debating arena, it's whether you become the one on the winning side and crush your opponent, or you yourself become the weak one and let other people stamp on you and win. you make your own choice. it's a fair game, bro.

 

hksbp's something that's expected to be full of drama- tears, laughter, victory, failure.. yadda. we've had our fair share of emotional outbursts, but the most important thing is the product of this. what we obtained as a team. i get to strengthen a bond i never thought would be as strong as it is right now, and finally ive found myself a big family outside home. you dont need to find someone of your blood to become family. it's when you accept people the way they are, whatever their lackings may be, that you finally find your other half. or in this case, my other halves. :D

 

im not gonna start saying anything about what happened throughout hksbp. or else, i might gonna say something that im gonna regret saying in the future. might as well let it all out in person, and not in here, coz someone's gonna use what i wrote in here against me one day in the future. better play safe than be sorry. anyways, we went to the extent where we managed to proceed groupings, 2nd round and quarter-finals. that's already a very LONG way when you're facing such tough challenge. we didnt manage to proceed to semi-finals for some unspeakable reasons- which im not gonna state here, because it's a bit controversial..

 

being able to go to that phase was like BIZZARE. seriously. it'd been years since stf even made it to that stage. so eventhough we're a bit dissapointed that we didnt manage to get stf to the finals again this year, i think we're okay with it. i mean, so what? people already know that we should win. we were like, OMG! people were afraid of us, they though of us as a threat. that's the reason they sabotaged us on the first place. because they (or she) knew if they (or she) didnt do anything about it, we might get through to the finals and who knows? win ppm this year. so yeah, i take it that they (or SHE) is just some coward person who couldnt accept real competition. anyways, we proved ourselves in hk. we went to the extent where people became so afraid of us, that they sent spies to know our performance. i was like wow, im suddenly a superstar. people came about talking about us, and suddenly people knew my name. get what im saying? those who never even wanted to risk a glance or even turn to see who i am suddenly was interested to know about the team. i was like ok,,

but seriously, the times that we shared together as a team were the most BEAUTIFUL moments of my life. i learned to love people i thought i was supposed to hate. people dont know what they're missing in the debate team. behind all of our fiery perfomances, they had no idea how long and twisted the road was for us. yes, they knew that we fought tooth and nail, practiced every hour to polish our team's strength, but they didnt know the real thing that occured throughout all of this. they didnt know of how beautiful a failure is when you're facing it, going through it with people who cares for you, and who accepts you like their own sister. that's what i feel. i feel lucky because i dont have to call my teammates as TEAMMATES. i get to call them my FAMILY. see the difference?

seriously, this is the year that i found out that i really love the d family. the year when finally i wanted to fight back. the year when finally i am not afraid or nervous when it comes for my turn to give my speech for every round of the debate, but i became excited to do so. it went to the extent that i wanted to impress people with my speech, and i became fearless. i wanna show them that im not afraid with their good looks or great accent. i wanna show them that what i have is gonna crush them to pieces. and squah them, like little insects.

these are the people whom ive learned to love as family

• 1. SYAFIQAH SYAKIRA (i call her my miracle worker, because she's the one who keeps my debate mode going all this time)
• ADLEINA SUPERB (my MAKCIK, who im positive is really going to get engaged with the PAKCIK in the future, SO SWEET!)
• KIMI (we call him names- hetero, metro. :D)
• TEACHER REZA (our sole guider)
• KAK QIST ( once a debater, always will be :D)
• ALYA HAZIRA (dubbed my little sister)
• DHAMIRA BATRISYIA (dubbed my BIG sister)
• THARIAH (the BIG sports fan)
• LYNN SHAREENA (our BEST fan)
• AQILAH ZULKARNAIN (little, little sister)
• MAISARAH MORTAZA (little, little little little sister)

im really looking forward to watch the grab the pm trouphy next year. an untold legacy doesnt mean it'd never been heard, it just means that people didnt want to make it heard because it's too good to handle. it's a mean world, but i believe that the pelapis can handle it on their own.

for these girls, (and guy) thanks for making life bearable and enjoyable at the same time. really never gonna forget the good and the bad times we shared together. im not a pro in saying sweet, memorable things, but all i know is this, I LOVE GRENADE-RS, NOT AS MY TEAM, BUT AS A FAMILY, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO. NOT BECAUSE I THINK SO, BUT BECAUSE I AM SO.

thanks for making me who i am this day. thanks for everything, guys. you really made the best out of me. LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS. GO GRENADE!

the hk team, just before quarter finals

adle, me, syakira

us, with the debat team

team captain :D



still smiling, still standing :D



teacher reza and kak qist <3

on her birthday

i woke up this morning and remembered- yeah, i was supposed to stay up late last night till 12am, vid call emyl on skype, and be the first person to wish her a happy birthday. but i didnt, which was a rather selfish act, because i failed to do so just because i was sleepy after a day of shopping. SELFISH, i tell you. wohoo.


i dont have anything much to say to her, since talking to her might bring up the topic that ive always wanted to avoid since the past 3 years. she'll be raining me with advices to stop. no, im not a druggie or something. it's something... unsay-able, even if that's a word. haha.


there's only 3 days left till my uncle come and pick me up for school. hergh. i think they should extend the summer holidays just the way the americans did it. 104 days. whoop.

irrelevent response to such a stupid problem.

well i knw da tittle up there's kinda catchy, but believe me, nothing in here's worth reading. but if u're a fan of tragic endings of unrequited love stories, then keep on reading. dnt say i didnt warn you if you regret it. im just a blogger, who's angry, because someone was smart enuf to wake her up from her slumber and chuck her with some tacky story, asking for opinions. so, this is wt ive gotta say. i say, i dont really care. and i dnt knw y i shud waste my prepaid money to console people and tell them that everything's gonna be alright. even the thought of it makes me wanna haul this lappy across the room. i mean, seriously, dude? is life really that meaningless to you? do you really wanna waste ur future on this silly game called LOVE? yucks, nw i have to brush my teeth and bleach my tongue for saying that.fyi, i hate that word. not in an emo, goth way, but i hate it to bits when it comes to people who's desperately clinging to it. like it's the last thing that's gonna be able to save them when the end of the world comes. guys, hear me say thiS.LOUD AND CLEAR. money cnt buy happiness, but almost everything needs money now. even love costs you a pound. wt's the point of having love when you're desperately putting all ud effort to forge cents everyday because u werent wise enuf to study well and get urself a college degree n find work? listen. study now, then you can get married later. seriously. i dnt see the point of being involved in any romantic relationship right now because i knw it's gonna just be a waste of time. u're probably not gonna end up wif the sme person anyways, and i take it that it's really a waste of money too. y invest on someone u knw gonna fail you? the same reason y stakeholders dnt wanna give scholarships to unpromising students. because they're UNPROMISING. and most of them wasted their time loving someone to bits. if it was for your family, then i salute you. but for some girlfriend? i think you deserve a good kick on your head.

im angry. and dissapointed, because i thought a friend who's matured enough with things suddenly knocked on my door and poured his heart out, acting like a desperado. that freaked me out, coz he's acting like a freak. i hate talking to freaks. and im trying hard to stay away from them. and im thinking of staying awak from him, too. if he continues basking in his problems which was kinda stupid to thinking about.

i wanna sleep. if u will excuse me, bubye.

something sweet to be shared.

taemin uppa sent me this first thing this morning, before he left for his mbc schedule. i didnt expect anything.. but it's AWESOME!!!

masa depan. future. mirai.

conversation over dinner tadi membuatkan ak sedar yang keadaan ak sangat kritikal. im in the place where i dont have a clue of what course im really supposed to take and more prone to after spm, and im still not clear of what i really, really wanna be. if only there's a debate occupation, then i wud be honored to apply for the job. i wud never complain at all. because i love debate.


i love medics just the way i love debate. but i dont think i have what it takes to become a good med student. im not that superfast when it come sto academics, and my results are from any chances of being granted an overseas scholarship to further my studies abroad. i dont think im gonna be good at it, eventhough i have the passion. im thinking of being an activist, or even a professional social worker, but that's not gonna give me anything worth the struggle ive made over the educational years in high school. in fact, it's gonna be a big disgrace if a student from such a prestigous school made it only to become an ordinary worker.


bile ditanye ak nak jadik ap bile dh besar nnt, ak pun ternguh-ngah x tau nak jawab ape. tapi itu sepatotnya senario yang berlaku beberape tahun lalu. sekarang ni, klu orang tye ak akan menjawab dengan bangganye bahawa ak nak jadik pediatrik. as in doktor kanak2. but what i am right now kinda makes me feel like i dont have to right characteristics to become one.  i yoyo.


i just have to works harder, basyia! hwaiting syafiqah!!

kepale hek mu

i just made the toughest decision in my life. EVER.


deactivating my facebook account was the last thing i thought i wud do, especially when im in the state where i cudnt live a day without accessing into my facebook acount. i went to the extent where facebook IS my social life, a place where i meet, talk and discuss with my friends. i guess that's like the aftermath of mom never giving me permission to meet up with friends outside school and limiting my social life to only 10-mile radius from our home. i was raised in an environment where people see girls as housewives, if you get what i mean, and it's gonna be quite disrespectful if i dont obey my parents' orders. if mom says im gonna have to stay at home to study, then that's what i have to do. nothing more, nothing less.


but these days, im starting to feel that im spending too much time living virtually rather than focusing on my studies. this is CRITICAL. i mean, what am i doing, when most of my friends are struggling out there, taking tuition sessions and studying hard for the exams? i blocked my brain from studying mode since 3 weeks ago, but that was partly because i was busy with the debate tournament. and right now, im still not in the mood to study. that's bad!!


ive to do something, especially now that my friends are starting to complain on how obsessed i am of this facebook-ing thing. so, i made my mind up, and no one's gonna stop me. even myself. it's time that i start practicing tough love with myself. it's time that i discipline myself. get my aim straight.


I DEACTIVATED MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING, YOU KNOW MY NUMBER. DAA~~!


love peeps,
pika