most of the people i know have moved on. i know i should be doing the same, but i cant. i just cant see myself winning through the fears of my past and letting go of the present. i keep worrying over petty things. i am afraid of my own reflection in the mirror. i get easily hurt by the rude comments made by people around me that seemed harmless to them, but impossible to bear for me. im paranoid, i think those who are laughing around me, are laughing at me. i feel as though a pair of eyes are watching my every move, waiting for me to do one slight mistake and punish me for it. i feel insecure.
why is it so hard to forget people? why is it harder to forget a relationship? and why is it impossible to let go of something that never had the chance to grow? maybe that's it. maybe that's the reason why we cant manage to let those things go, because we knew we never really had the chance to see it grow. to become something we wanted it to be. something we expected them to be.
trust me, if there's anyone that really, really knows what rejection is, it's me. if there's anyone that really, really knows what pain of missing means, it's me. because it seems that im the one that had been through so much of that. both of them. rejection and missing something or someone in particular.
worrying hurts, because you cant settle down at one place without having the thought gnawing in your mind, waiting to be tended to, questions demanding to be given an answer. i worry about things. i worry about people. and what's worse, is that those people will never know how im deeply worried about them, and how troubled i feel when i know that they're in trouble. i cannot tell them, i cannot say anything to them. i have to keep it to myself, coz it's for the best.
am i being selfish? i think so. im being selfish to myself. in what way, i dont know. but it feels like it.
sometimes there are things that i cant quite get a grip on. like why i had to give up so many things just to make sure that everyone else is happy. why i have to endure and bear with what people do to me while i just let people go when they do bad things to me. im not an angle. once in a while i do bad things to others too, and that includes talking back to my parents, ESPECIALLY talking back to my parents. but doesnt that seem unfair too?
im pretty messed up at the moment. please excuse my ramblings. i need to write it down somewhere, and this seems like the best place because no one really reads this blog anyway.
:D
why is it so hard to forget people? why is it harder to forget a relationship? and why is it impossible to let go of something that never had the chance to grow? maybe that's it. maybe that's the reason why we cant manage to let those things go, because we knew we never really had the chance to see it grow. to become something we wanted it to be. something we expected them to be.
trust me, if there's anyone that really, really knows what rejection is, it's me. if there's anyone that really, really knows what pain of missing means, it's me. because it seems that im the one that had been through so much of that. both of them. rejection and missing something or someone in particular.
worrying hurts, because you cant settle down at one place without having the thought gnawing in your mind, waiting to be tended to, questions demanding to be given an answer. i worry about things. i worry about people. and what's worse, is that those people will never know how im deeply worried about them, and how troubled i feel when i know that they're in trouble. i cannot tell them, i cannot say anything to them. i have to keep it to myself, coz it's for the best.
am i being selfish? i think so. im being selfish to myself. in what way, i dont know. but it feels like it.
sometimes there are things that i cant quite get a grip on. like why i had to give up so many things just to make sure that everyone else is happy. why i have to endure and bear with what people do to me while i just let people go when they do bad things to me. im not an angle. once in a while i do bad things to others too, and that includes talking back to my parents, ESPECIALLY talking back to my parents. but doesnt that seem unfair too?
im pretty messed up at the moment. please excuse my ramblings. i need to write it down somewhere, and this seems like the best place because no one really reads this blog anyway.
:D
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