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the crazy thing about falling in love is that it'll end. one minute you're so into that person, and the next, you're so eager to get the hell away from them, as far away as possible. 

excuse me for my use of words which might seem like swearing to you. i just chose it, for the lack of a better word. hey, my vocabulary's not THAT powerful and far-fetched, you know. not when im doing nothing but dozing off and watching my kittens grow into big monsters here at home anyway. 

in this case, i did not fall out of it. i did not wish that person dead. indeed, i wish him to be happy in all prospects. and for that reason, i need to get myself as far away from him as possible. oh, i know what you could probably be thinking right now. so korean-drama-ish. haha. believe me, im not motivated by some tear-jerking, heart-rendering, suicidal sad love stories. im just motivated by myself, what i want and what i dont want to happen to myself in the future which seems so far away, yet so near right now. i hate using this word, but im unsure. im contemplating so many things in my head right now. im trying to get some bended, dented things straight. and to do that, i need to be free. free from every single thing that might get into my way and stop me from achieving what i need and what i want to be.

there's also the fact where im afraid of what fate could have in store for me, if i keep on clinging to this silly feeling, this monkey-kind of situation. because of something that my mom told me. because im worried about myself and what might come of me in 10 years' time. surely i dont want to keep being the person i am now, so vulnerable, so weak, so easy to be stepped on? no, no NO.

and yet i did not make this decision with no repercussions in mind. yes, i know. i understand. these things are better off unintended and untended. God has a way in making matters fall into position the right time at the right place. someday when it's the right time, i'll find the right person and things will turn out just right, like in fairytales. and i have faith in Allah for that. if there's someone out there made for me, then l just let Allah on deciding how to make things work in HIS own way. i have no need in heeding that. All i have to do is pray. Pray to meet someone that will be good and treat me kindly. Pray for someone that will respect and accept me the way i am, and not what he wants me to be. things like that. 

right now, the only thing i have in mind is scoring that scholarship and making my family proud. i want to be the best doctor any medical schools could afford to produce, one that every hospitals would want to take in. i want my future to be better than my parents' because that's what they wanted for me right from the beginning. i know that if i wasnt destined to strive and succeed, then i would never have this opportunity, i would never be blessed with a family so loving and caring as the one i have right now, i would never gain such a powerful debate team that loves me and respects me even when im away. if i wasnt meant to fly, then Allah will never give me these wings. so i have to make good use of it. i have to make it worth, because there are thousands, possibly millions people out there who would kill to have luck as good as mine. great family, good background, and insyaAlllah, wonderfully bright future. and because i have these capabilities and advantages, i will have to use it to help others. with great power comes great responsibilities. 

im not ready to decide on other important things like where i want to go to futher my studies, which college i want to get myself in, or what i should wear for my first day in college. but right now, as frightening and as painful this might turn out, im ready to make one big decision that i hope will be worth the sacrifice. im giving up. the good way. 

and to that person, thanks for all the memories. may fate be good to the both of us as we part ways, and may we be better in the future than what we are today.