my friends say that though im turning 18 this year, my way of thinking still resembles that of a 5 year-old. somehow they're convinced that my brain stopped developing when i was at that age, and so the crazy things i did and the stupid things i said. (although im not sure if that's possible. i ought to seek some clarifications on this matter in the medical perspective. since im a doctor-to-be and all). but though i did make some occasional slips and sometimes say the things that was supposed to be said just in my head out loud, i still have own some conscience. well, like sympathy towards others. and care for those in need. and respect for the elders, if not my friends. keke, kidding.
well, as 'young' as my friends like to think of me, i still think that i deserve some salute for my the things i did and what i intend to do, in the future. not everyone has the ability and will to plan out the next 25 years of their life in advance, and swear with their life they'll stay true to it. when i say im serious, that means im dead serious. i mean, alive serious. anyhow, im not going to tolerate anything less than what i expect to get. of course, i'll put much effort on it while im at it.
which brings us to the thing that'd been playing out in my mind this whole evening- death.
i know what i'll have to go through to get to where i want to be- a medical professional, world-renowed speaker, and insyaAllah, a respected noblewoman in the medical field, known globally for her skills and accuracy. it's going to be a very long road, i tell you, and i already know what path i shall take and what sacrifices i'll have to make to get there. this thing im about to pursue, and about to devote my whole life into, is NOT an easy thing. just becoming a doctor requires tremendous strength not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally. for although i still havent get much grasp of the whole situation, im perfectly aware of the emotional roller-coster a doctor will have to live every single day of her life.
people may declare that the hardest thing a medical student or a doctor will have to face in the course of their career will be having to keep up with the promises they make to the patients, their families, and those who care for them. these promises are made by trust, and hope that things will get better, that this person they're trusting will be able to help make things be easier and endurable for their loved ones. they gain a sense of security and a glimmer of hope when this person comes to the rescue, and maybe will get everything back to normal, just like before the disease was diagnosed, or before the accident occurred. i, too, felt the same way when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year. i hoped, and i really hoped, that the trust that i have for this one person responsible to help my aunt get better will be true to his words and walk his talk. everyone feels the same way. and no matter how different we were as a person before we walk through this threshold of uncertainties and hurt, before we had to expect the worse, we still end up feeling the same way about the same people.
and have you imagined how hard it could be for a doctor to keep up with that?
i dont know yet if i'll have any issues of handling or confronting dead bodies, but im sure that im not able to do it even with a dead animal. maybe that's a whole different story, because most of the people i will meet in the future as my patients will be no one i know, hopefully. but this, this time, eventhough i barely knew him, i dont know what makes it so hard for me to let go. eventhough id never have any memories of this baby, i felt like a monster knowing the fact that i couldve prevented it from happening. that if i had paid more attention to what's happening outside and not be too absorbed with myself, maybe he'll not die, and will grow up healthy, like the others did. but that didnt happen. and this happened instead. there's no use of looking back, there's nothing i can do to make things right anymore.
this worries me to the point that i doubt the decision ive made. if i cant handle one small loss like this, then how will i cope when i lose my first patient? how will i ever gain much strength to walk out of that very door, emotionally and physically exhausted, only to be bombarded with questions from his/her loved ones? how will i ever say 'im sorry, he didnt make it'?
for this small, simple thought that all of a sudden came to my mind, it made me realize, that doctors ARE one of the most courageous and brave profession on earth, after a parent.
i'll spend the rest of the evening mauling on this, though this might seem like a really
unimportant matter at the time. i'll have years to think this through, insyaAllah, but i just want to make sure that i'll be completely prepared when the real time comes.
'im sorry, there's nothing left we could do'
how really wonderful it could be if it would be as easy as that.
well, as 'young' as my friends like to think of me, i still think that i deserve some salute for my the things i did and what i intend to do, in the future. not everyone has the ability and will to plan out the next 25 years of their life in advance, and swear with their life they'll stay true to it. when i say im serious, that means im dead serious. i mean, alive serious. anyhow, im not going to tolerate anything less than what i expect to get. of course, i'll put much effort on it while im at it.
which brings us to the thing that'd been playing out in my mind this whole evening- death.
i know what i'll have to go through to get to where i want to be- a medical professional, world-renowed speaker, and insyaAllah, a respected noblewoman in the medical field, known globally for her skills and accuracy. it's going to be a very long road, i tell you, and i already know what path i shall take and what sacrifices i'll have to make to get there. this thing im about to pursue, and about to devote my whole life into, is NOT an easy thing. just becoming a doctor requires tremendous strength not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally. for although i still havent get much grasp of the whole situation, im perfectly aware of the emotional roller-coster a doctor will have to live every single day of her life.
people may declare that the hardest thing a medical student or a doctor will have to face in the course of their career will be having to keep up with the promises they make to the patients, their families, and those who care for them. these promises are made by trust, and hope that things will get better, that this person they're trusting will be able to help make things be easier and endurable for their loved ones. they gain a sense of security and a glimmer of hope when this person comes to the rescue, and maybe will get everything back to normal, just like before the disease was diagnosed, or before the accident occurred. i, too, felt the same way when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year. i hoped, and i really hoped, that the trust that i have for this one person responsible to help my aunt get better will be true to his words and walk his talk. everyone feels the same way. and no matter how different we were as a person before we walk through this threshold of uncertainties and hurt, before we had to expect the worse, we still end up feeling the same way about the same people.
and have you imagined how hard it could be for a doctor to keep up with that?
i dont know yet if i'll have any issues of handling or confronting dead bodies, but im sure that im not able to do it even with a dead animal. maybe that's a whole different story, because most of the people i will meet in the future as my patients will be no one i know, hopefully. but this, this time, eventhough i barely knew him, i dont know what makes it so hard for me to let go. eventhough id never have any memories of this baby, i felt like a monster knowing the fact that i couldve prevented it from happening. that if i had paid more attention to what's happening outside and not be too absorbed with myself, maybe he'll not die, and will grow up healthy, like the others did. but that didnt happen. and this happened instead. there's no use of looking back, there's nothing i can do to make things right anymore.
this worries me to the point that i doubt the decision ive made. if i cant handle one small loss like this, then how will i cope when i lose my first patient? how will i ever gain much strength to walk out of that very door, emotionally and physically exhausted, only to be bombarded with questions from his/her loved ones? how will i ever say 'im sorry, he didnt make it'?
for this small, simple thought that all of a sudden came to my mind, it made me realize, that doctors ARE one of the most courageous and brave profession on earth, after a parent.
i'll spend the rest of the evening mauling on this, though this might seem like a really
unimportant matter at the time. i'll have years to think this through, insyaAllah, but i just want to make sure that i'll be completely prepared when the real time comes.
'im sorry, there's nothing left we could do'
how really wonderful it could be if it would be as easy as that.
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