dementia

this was an essay i wrote for a monthly English test last year. well, since i've got nothing else to post here, i figured that maybe this is gonna be of good use, or not. 

DEMENTIA

I stared out of the window, losing myself as i watched the seagulls flying, contentedly. The calming breeze caressed my flushed cheeks, the warm sun biting my skin. Outside, lying bare in the front of my eyes, the aquamarine spread far away across the horizon, the crystal-clear water overlapping as the waves crashed the shore. I could see little crabs making their way along the sand to its hole, escaping the scorching heat of the sun. My heat fluttered- it always did every time I looked out the window to watch the world changing through its phases- morning to dusk, then night caves in, hiding everything in its darkness. 

I love the Pacific. My passion for it is as indescribable and strong as the one that I had for my family. I love the sound of the waves, crashing the shore, and the shrill sound the seagulls made when they are excited to catch their prey. I would miss the scent of the salty air and the feel of sand between my toes as I dig my feet deeper into it, enjoying the stroll along the beach I always had when I was overcome in confusion and disappointment. The sea became my loyal companion, my one and only mute, mysterious friend, who listens to all my sighs and confessions. The sea is full of secrets. I became one of the billions of people who decided to throw their dirty thoughts into the never-ending, wide Pacific, hoping they would never be reminded of the tragic stories. 

Te be honest, my soul is not as carefree and innocent as it may seem to be. My life was cut short, but I was not murdered, nor did I decided to put the end on my own. I was trapped. My shoulders were hunched from the massive burden I had been given since the day I was born. My life was committed to the grueling word which had ripped off the emotions inside me- responsibility. I was stripped off my future. I had learned not to dream of anything, or hope for miracles to happen. The only thing I should be concerned of was to make sure that my little brothers would grow up to become healthy, prodigious men. That was the only thing I was contented in, the only mission I had, before any of this happened. I was sure that the only happiness I would have was from seeing my brothers growing up and taking chances and risk, making journeys and having adventures in their life, experiencing the things I had to miss in my childhood, and most probably, my whole life. I would be happier to have no future, as long as the boys could have theirs. I was determined to take the risk of losing it all, just for the sake of the two boys I had grown to love. That was, until he came. 

A sudden tug at my skirt aroused me from my deep thoughts. When I turned around, William was looking up at me, his blue eyes gazing straight into mine. He asked for a meal. It was clear from his sagging cheeks and thin frail, body, that he was famished. My heart ached from seeing the state he was in. I could not refrain the tears from falling. I turned away, telling him that I would prepared his meal later, and that he should get back into bed while I was at it. But I knew better. There were no food in the cabinet, nor were there in the kitchen. There was not a single scratch of food inside this small shack we called home. We had been deprived of rice and bread since a month ago so I couldn't any other ways to fill their stomachs than stealing vegetables from the old woman's small garden next door. I knew it was a punishable deed, but I was desperate to keep them alive. I knew my health was deteriorating. My body was scrawny. Edward could see the trouble I was in, even offered to support us But I couldn't bring myself to accept his kindness. I was ashamed to do so. 

"You are lying. There is no way you can feed those mouths, Catherine. Bad liar."

There it was again. The voice that I had been hearing for the past few days. It was deep and hoarse, almost like a whisper. It laughed and daunted at me every time my problems were too hard to handle. Sometimes it screamed in my head, yelling obscenities, telling me how stupid I was for not being able to provide well for my brothers. Usually I would ignore and block my ears from it, but this time I did not. My mind was too fogged up and troubled to think wisely. I was depressed. My body was slowly going against me. My chest felt like it was about to rip into two from the pain. I wanted nothing else than to find a way out of the mess I was in. 

"Shut up!!" I screamed. "You keep yourself out of this!" 

The voice laughed and carried on calling me names. I covered my ears, trying to block the shrill laughter, to no avail. It kept on jeering at me, stomping on me, enjoying my display of weakness. I couldn't stand it any longer. 

"You know what you can do. That is the only option you have left," Slowly, the voice slurred away into nothingness, leaving me with those words to decipher. 

As I sat alone in the kitchen, I started thinking of what the voice said. One by one things occurred to me. I realized the time I had wasted for the past several years. I was drowned in regret of the things I couldn't reach, the future I was never going to reach because of this responsibility. I realized that this burden I was carrying was stopping me from the living the life I wanted. I was kept away from the chances I was supposed to have. And I was stupid enough to let it carry on this long. 

Silently, I rose up and made my way to the small room where the boys were sleeping in. I was careful not to make any noises, or the boys would wake up and ask for their meals, which I would never be able to prepare. The boys were nestled close to each other, cuddled together like little kittens in the blankets. They were sleeping soundly, innocently, unknowing of the event that was going to unfold for them.

I took one long last look at their faces. More emotions dawned on me. I was overcome with frenzy. I was hungry for a chance. I wanted a future. I wanted a life. More than anything else, I wanted love. And these two were the ones responsible to keep me away from those things I was supposed to have. They were nothing but abominations. 

I reached for a pillow and forced it onto their faces with the little strength I had left. They screamed and struggled, their legs kicking like cockroaches as they were deprived of the only free element in the world- air. I was determined not to lose this time. I wanted it all. I wanted my future- without these two.And as the sun started to set, their screams slowly faded and their legs stopped kicking. 

My future started.