haha. i sure do miss this blog, but ive got college to attend to and assignments to work on. and a big project's coming our way and it's likely that i dont know what's going to happen with my sem's results. id probably be dead already by then. anyways, sorry for leaving you behind. oh my you're so dusty. and my writing skills have been left behind for so long that i might have started to sound premature. hehe wih wiii sorry gotta go back now.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
time
it takes time to heal. i understand that. been there, done that.
no matter how many people who come up to him and tell him that it's fine that he didnt win, and we're still proud of him, it's not going to be okay for him. people might get over this loss sure fast, seasons will pass and people will stop talking about it and move on. but to him, he'll always be there on that court, reviewing back the last few moments of his shattered dream.
losing doesnt hurt. disappointment does. ive said that quite a few times already, because that means a lot to those who have real dreams. those who've worked their whole life to just reach to that phase, being so close to achieving their dream, just to watch it fall into pieces.
it took me a month to get over the loss i had in debating. and i was just 17, that meant i still havent dedicate my everything for that dream. and what about him? he's practically worked all his life just to get there.
i just hope he'll be strong enough to get through this. because there's surely more to come for him.
he didnt win not because he's not worth it, it just means that Allah has wayyyy better things planned for him.
no matter how many people who come up to him and tell him that it's fine that he didnt win, and we're still proud of him, it's not going to be okay for him. people might get over this loss sure fast, seasons will pass and people will stop talking about it and move on. but to him, he'll always be there on that court, reviewing back the last few moments of his shattered dream.
losing doesnt hurt. disappointment does. ive said that quite a few times already, because that means a lot to those who have real dreams. those who've worked their whole life to just reach to that phase, being so close to achieving their dream, just to watch it fall into pieces.
it took me a month to get over the loss i had in debating. and i was just 17, that meant i still havent dedicate my everything for that dream. and what about him? he's practically worked all his life just to get there.
i just hope he'll be strong enough to get through this. because there's surely more to come for him.
he didnt win not because he's not worth it, it just means that Allah has wayyyy better things planned for him.
Friday, August 3, 2012
with that, i rest my case.
it's been a tough week. my bio lab practical ended awfully, with us again being tortured mentally by the annoying absence of the darling yeast-ies under our light microscope. it'd been the third time that we've used that dang thing, and im getting annoyed with it real fast. where the heck is the pro in you when you're in need of one? it's like them all microscopes in the world are in a pact against me. just you wait till i get that medical degree. then you'll see what kind of doctor i'll be.
it's supposed to be the holidays from friday till next monday, but given the amount homework we've got, and such little time left for personal entertainment, you can say that im pretty parched now. not only did my parents not let me come home, (it does not necessarily mean that, but i used that translation instead as it emphasizes the fact that im victimised. please,) im also blessed with the chance of devoting my precious free time for assignments. o, i feel stupid. partly because i dont get it why i cant remember what ive learned in high school, and mostly because im here, typing away on my blog. seriously, man. i should find a way to get this addiction killed. someone, please keep me away from my lappy. im going crazy. for real.
it's supposed to be the holidays from friday till next monday, but given the amount homework we've got, and such little time left for personal entertainment, you can say that im pretty parched now. not only did my parents not let me come home, (it does not necessarily mean that, but i used that translation instead as it emphasizes the fact that im victimised. please,) im also blessed with the chance of devoting my precious free time for assignments. o, i feel stupid. partly because i dont get it why i cant remember what ive learned in high school, and mostly because im here, typing away on my blog. seriously, man. i should find a way to get this addiction killed. someone, please keep me away from my lappy. im going crazy. for real.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
of new beginnings
it's strange for me to acknowledge that the most beautiful things life can present to you comes in the smallest packages, and because we're too busy judging and trying to pick the biggest and best out of the rest, we tend to belittle those small packages that carried in them such big treasures.
i never really feel fulfilled with the things ive already have in life. for me, there's always something that's lacking. there's always that something that i needed, or to put things straight, i thought i needed. my grades should be a level higher, i should look at least as pretty as the other girls, that new cosmetic brand should be mine. it's so easy to feel victimised and find people or situations to rest your blame on. and we've always thought that it was acceptable. everyone does that. there's always someone or something to blame. we cant be wrong.
but what happened today completely altered that small, uncivilised view i used to have to the world. why is it that easy and acceptable for people to freely feel ungrateful to the things that Allah have bestowed upon them? why does there always need to be conditions or people to blame, and why does everyone thinks that it's okay, even if it's not the right thing to do? why do we always feel the urge to be better, or at least as good as everyone else? why is it always not enough?
this is hard for me, because it came as a slap across my face. it yelled- "wake up, you bitch! look at what you're missing when you're too busy regretting!"
i should feel thankful that i came here. that i met all these special people, who in their very own wonderful ways have succeeded in making me change my mind. these people have made me regain consciousness from that long slumber i'd been in for the last 17 years. this could be the best thing that had ever happened in my entire life, and i would never be able to forget any of this. there's more to come. more days will be spent reviewing and thanking Allah for all the things He'd blessed me with.
i dont mind being normal. and i dont mind hanging out with these special people as well. it's crazy to think that others tend to stay away from them just because they have an extra chromosome 21 or look different from the rest of us.
believe that there's more to it that meets the eye. they smile all the time. they laugh. they scream when they get angry, and maybe they'll annoy you at times because they dont understand. they view things differently than the rest of us, but that doesnt mean that makes them a level lower. these people are special in their very own way. they're born to make us see that humanity is still here, and it's here to stay. they're born to remind us of true love that knows no boundaries. they live to show us that eventhough the inevitable could happen, it wont be able to break us, if we defy it before it does.
dont be afraid of making mistakes. dont be afraid to approach them and show that you care. because that's what they need most from us- attention.
that's the least thing we could do.
i never really feel fulfilled with the things ive already have in life. for me, there's always something that's lacking. there's always that something that i needed, or to put things straight, i thought i needed. my grades should be a level higher, i should look at least as pretty as the other girls, that new cosmetic brand should be mine. it's so easy to feel victimised and find people or situations to rest your blame on. and we've always thought that it was acceptable. everyone does that. there's always someone or something to blame. we cant be wrong.
but what happened today completely altered that small, uncivilised view i used to have to the world. why is it that easy and acceptable for people to freely feel ungrateful to the things that Allah have bestowed upon them? why does there always need to be conditions or people to blame, and why does everyone thinks that it's okay, even if it's not the right thing to do? why do we always feel the urge to be better, or at least as good as everyone else? why is it always not enough?
this is hard for me, because it came as a slap across my face. it yelled- "wake up, you bitch! look at what you're missing when you're too busy regretting!"
i should feel thankful that i came here. that i met all these special people, who in their very own wonderful ways have succeeded in making me change my mind. these people have made me regain consciousness from that long slumber i'd been in for the last 17 years. this could be the best thing that had ever happened in my entire life, and i would never be able to forget any of this. there's more to come. more days will be spent reviewing and thanking Allah for all the things He'd blessed me with.
i dont mind being normal. and i dont mind hanging out with these special people as well. it's crazy to think that others tend to stay away from them just because they have an extra chromosome 21 or look different from the rest of us.
believe that there's more to it that meets the eye. they smile all the time. they laugh. they scream when they get angry, and maybe they'll annoy you at times because they dont understand. they view things differently than the rest of us, but that doesnt mean that makes them a level lower. these people are special in their very own way. they're born to make us see that humanity is still here, and it's here to stay. they're born to remind us of true love that knows no boundaries. they live to show us that eventhough the inevitable could happen, it wont be able to break us, if we defy it before it does.
dont be afraid of making mistakes. dont be afraid to approach them and show that you care. because that's what they need most from us- attention.
that's the least thing we could do.
Monday, July 23, 2012
number one for me. :D
the whole family came together last weekend, and it was a joyful, if not tiring time. of course, the house was in a complete mess, as expected every time when all of us come back for the holidays, but mom didnt seem to care much because it had been a very long time since she saw us. it was the first time that she saw me after i entered college, and eventhough there were countless conversations on the phone, there seemed to be still an endless list of things that i wanted to tell her about. sadly, i didnt have the time to do so, because the others are fighting over her attention as well. so i decided to stay by myself and maybe get my homework done (i quote, MAYBE). haha.
college life has taken its toll on me. ive become a less-fun person to be with. because i cant tell my sister everything about college, so i had to be careful and filter every little bit of information carefully before i start saying anything that im surely going to regret in the future. seriously, these girls are piranhas. they see that you're a potential meal, they have no mercy. they'll scour all over you and leave nothing but bones. in other words, if you tell them something embarrassing, they're gonna taunt you about it for the rest of your life. which gives me all the more reason to miss a life with a brother. but not to worry, that'll come soon. :D
hehe.
college life has taken its toll on me. ive become a less-fun person to be with. because i cant tell my sister everything about college, so i had to be careful and filter every little bit of information carefully before i start saying anything that im surely going to regret in the future. seriously, these girls are piranhas. they see that you're a potential meal, they have no mercy. they'll scour all over you and leave nothing but bones. in other words, if you tell them something embarrassing, they're gonna taunt you about it for the rest of your life. which gives me all the more reason to miss a life with a brother. but not to worry, that'll come soon. :D
hehe.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
the blast
a very wise friend of mine once said, 'it's strange how you can find the best of friend in the most unexpected people'.
well, considering that it's too soon to call this group of people my best friends, i'd say that things are fair enough for the time being. things didnt start quite well in the beginning, but then again, it could be only me who's thinking too badly about myself. but whatever it was, im glad to claim that it's getting from good to better. this group of people, or strangers, which was what i used to think they were, is slowly gaining my trust and pulling down that invisible barrier ive created brick by brick to protect myself.
im expecting to have the best of times here in kmb, eventhough there's a whole new environment and people to adapt to, not to mention with the presence of the opposite gender. it gets awkward in the beginning, especially at times when i completely forgot, and out of ignorance, did things i wasnt supposed to do when im in a co-ed alma mater. like burping out loud in the library, for instance. im saying this out of experience, and yeah, it's a rather embarassing one to talk about.
all in all, im feeling great at the time. :D especially when tomorrow's drawing nearer with every minute that passes. im HAPPY!!!
well, considering that it's too soon to call this group of people my best friends, i'd say that things are fair enough for the time being. things didnt start quite well in the beginning, but then again, it could be only me who's thinking too badly about myself. but whatever it was, im glad to claim that it's getting from good to better. this group of people, or strangers, which was what i used to think they were, is slowly gaining my trust and pulling down that invisible barrier ive created brick by brick to protect myself.
im expecting to have the best of times here in kmb, eventhough there's a whole new environment and people to adapt to, not to mention with the presence of the opposite gender. it gets awkward in the beginning, especially at times when i completely forgot, and out of ignorance, did things i wasnt supposed to do when im in a co-ed alma mater. like burping out loud in the library, for instance. im saying this out of experience, and yeah, it's a rather embarassing one to talk about.
all in all, im feeling great at the time. :D especially when tomorrow's drawing nearer with every minute that passes. im HAPPY!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
miss invisible
There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something she's hiding
And she cant' find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...
[Chorus]
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the
day
When you'll ask her her name
The beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that
mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and as she fell down the
stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...
[Chorus]
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really, really want you to put yourself in her shoes,
yeah, yeah
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the
day that
you will ask her name
Then one day, just the same as the last
Just, the days been in counting the time
Came a boy, that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further
behind...
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something she's hiding
And she cant' find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...
[Chorus]
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the
day
When you'll ask her her name
The beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that
mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and as she fell down the
stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...
[Chorus]
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really, really want you to put yourself in her shoes,
yeah, yeah
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the
day that
you will ask her name
Then one day, just the same as the last
Just, the days been in counting the time
Came a boy, that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further
behind...
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
because you dont understand
im physically and emotionally drained. i have no idea where this is heading, nor what im doing at the moment, or what path im taking to get wherever this is leading me. im tired of just going with the flow, and pretending to think that everything's completely okay.
normality doesnt go well with my name.
ive known from the start that this will be a rather disastrous environment to adapt into, and that i should be prepared for the worst-case scenarios in any time since the day i came here. but no amount of preparation either mentally, physically or emotionally can help me to get out from this mountain of trouble im so deep in. this is more like an impasse. there's no way out, but then again, how did you get in anyways?
i know that this might sound childish coming from a 17 turning on 18 in just a few days' time, but this is what i couldnt say out loud. it wasnt that there were no great times at all, but if you ask me, id say that i prefer what i had before.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
leaving on a jet plane
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...
Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
But I'm leaving on a jet plane
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...
Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
But I'm leaving on a jet plane
Saturday, June 23, 2012
wanna grow old with you :D
just some old westlife song ive been hearing a lot recently.
it's sweet!!! :D
lost
a problem can be solved. wars can end with peace. a shattered glass can be glued back together. lost times can be replaced and redeemed.
but how do you fix a broken friendship?
and how to find a way to save a relationship when you know that it's already all to late to start anew?
how do you find the courage to trust the same person when you've been betrayed time and time again?
and how can you refrain yourself from loving the same person you did when you knew you already had reasons to love them in the past?
these miss you nights
I've had many times I can tell you
Times when innocence I'd trade for company
And children saw me crying
I thought I had my share of that
But these miss you nights are the longest
Midnight diamonds stud my heaven
Southwards burning like the jewels that eye your place
And the warm winds that embrace me
Just as surely kissed your face
Yet those miss you nights they're the longest
Lay down all thoughts of your surrender
It's only me who's killing time
play down all dreams once remembered
It's just the same this miss you game
Thinking of my going
How to cut the thread and leave it all behind
Looking windwards, for my compass
I take each day as it arrives
But these miss you nights are the longest
But these miss you nights are the longest
ddt: 110285 140408 242508
and the past memories wont go away.
Friday, June 22, 2012
new place, new faces, new things to learn, but same feelings for the same person.
the thing im going to miss most when i leave home will be the sky.
it's always the perfect shade of blue here when it's sunny and there's always clouds in the sky. whenever it gets too hot to bear outside, the wind blows soothingly and the wind chime i hung at the porch tingles. the heat doesnt bother me, because it means that it's once again laundry day, and i dont have to worry about the clothes hung outside to dry. for all five years ive spent in stf, ive never come across a day when the sky there in jb could compare with here in my hometown. the color blue always seems to be a few shades paler, and duller. that's the reason ive never bothered to look up and enjoy the sky there in stf. because it made me feel bad about missing my hometown again and again.
these 7 months ive spent at home, ive learned a lot of things about my parents, and most importantly, myself. ive discovered that i was a bad cook, and an awful planner as well, which made my father had to endure months of having just bread, butter and sugar for breakfast. ive learned the fact that im good at learning a new language when im really interested in it, and ive found out that there's nothing wrong in admitting that you've made a mistake everytime you did. thanks to dr oz, ive learned a lot of things about healthcare even before i started college and majoring in medicine. ive spent lots of time watching medical tv shows, reading self-help books, playing with my cats, doing the chores at home, cycling around the neighbourhood, making new friend(s), losing old ones, and putting my heart back into place. i could say that time was not wasted on me. ive improved a great deal back here at home.
somewhere at some point in time, i know that i wont be able to enjoy the simplest things in life the way i do right now. time has its way of taking away the youthful carefree feelings and innocence away from someone. no matter how many times i declared that i wont let anything change the way i see life, i know that the inevitable will occur, in any ways it can through. years from now i'll be burdened with new responsibilities, my mind will be bearing new ideas, i'll know new people, forget the old friends i had, and i'll have less time to spend for friends, family and who knows? myself.
but before any of that can happen, im trying as hard as i could to make sure that i'll be able to enjoy life in any ways possible so i wont regret later on in life, when all of this dissipated.
not many people knows that the things in our life are not there to stay. and so, they keep on with their businesses, postponing time to just look around and enjoy the wonderful little things Allah has given us humans. they thought that the sky will always remain blue tomorrow, and the day after that, when in truth, it wont.
and so i'll keep reminding myself to turn around once in a while and look out my window to see the miracles unfolding in the world outside. i'll keep on looking up into the sky, and remember how perfect the sky here looks, and how pleasant it is to feel the heat from the sun on my skin.
remember, the blue sky is not here to stay. that cute kitten will not stay small forever. the weather will not always be nice. that girl who loves you secretly wont be able to wait for you forever.
you just need to look around, just once, and see that the one you've been waiting for your whole life time had always been there with you.
but you've never noticed them. or her.
ddt: 140408 285 0812 and counting.
it's always the perfect shade of blue here when it's sunny and there's always clouds in the sky. whenever it gets too hot to bear outside, the wind blows soothingly and the wind chime i hung at the porch tingles. the heat doesnt bother me, because it means that it's once again laundry day, and i dont have to worry about the clothes hung outside to dry. for all five years ive spent in stf, ive never come across a day when the sky there in jb could compare with here in my hometown. the color blue always seems to be a few shades paler, and duller. that's the reason ive never bothered to look up and enjoy the sky there in stf. because it made me feel bad about missing my hometown again and again.
these 7 months ive spent at home, ive learned a lot of things about my parents, and most importantly, myself. ive discovered that i was a bad cook, and an awful planner as well, which made my father had to endure months of having just bread, butter and sugar for breakfast. ive learned the fact that im good at learning a new language when im really interested in it, and ive found out that there's nothing wrong in admitting that you've made a mistake everytime you did. thanks to dr oz, ive learned a lot of things about healthcare even before i started college and majoring in medicine. ive spent lots of time watching medical tv shows, reading self-help books, playing with my cats, doing the chores at home, cycling around the neighbourhood, making new friend(s), losing old ones, and putting my heart back into place. i could say that time was not wasted on me. ive improved a great deal back here at home.
somewhere at some point in time, i know that i wont be able to enjoy the simplest things in life the way i do right now. time has its way of taking away the youthful carefree feelings and innocence away from someone. no matter how many times i declared that i wont let anything change the way i see life, i know that the inevitable will occur, in any ways it can through. years from now i'll be burdened with new responsibilities, my mind will be bearing new ideas, i'll know new people, forget the old friends i had, and i'll have less time to spend for friends, family and who knows? myself.
but before any of that can happen, im trying as hard as i could to make sure that i'll be able to enjoy life in any ways possible so i wont regret later on in life, when all of this dissipated.
not many people knows that the things in our life are not there to stay. and so, they keep on with their businesses, postponing time to just look around and enjoy the wonderful little things Allah has given us humans. they thought that the sky will always remain blue tomorrow, and the day after that, when in truth, it wont.
and so i'll keep reminding myself to turn around once in a while and look out my window to see the miracles unfolding in the world outside. i'll keep on looking up into the sky, and remember how perfect the sky here looks, and how pleasant it is to feel the heat from the sun on my skin.
remember, the blue sky is not here to stay. that cute kitten will not stay small forever. the weather will not always be nice. that girl who loves you secretly wont be able to wait for you forever.
you just need to look around, just once, and see that the one you've been waiting for your whole life time had always been there with you.
but you've never noticed them. or her.
ddt: 140408 285 0812 and counting.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
jari-jemari salleh~~ (ala2 pondan)
uhum, no credits to me. this is just some fanart that i fanart-ed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
i'll see you again
Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you heart
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
When I'm lost, when I'm missing you like crazy
I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
When I had the time to tell you
Never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again
I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye
to 85
From all around the world, there are 230 countries, and among those people I can speak 5 languages. But still, I can’t find the exact word to define our relationship.
credits to sg's kim joo won.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
of meaningful words and heart-felt confessions.
my friends say that though im turning 18 this year, my way of thinking still resembles that of a 5 year-old. somehow they're convinced that my brain stopped developing when i was at that age, and so the crazy things i did and the stupid things i said. (although im not sure if that's possible. i ought to seek some clarifications on this matter in the medical perspective. since im a doctor-to-be and all). but though i did make some occasional slips and sometimes say the things that was supposed to be said just in my head out loud, i still have own some conscience. well, like sympathy towards others. and care for those in need. and respect for the elders, if not my friends. keke, kidding.
well, as 'young' as my friends like to think of me, i still think that i deserve some salute for my the things i did and what i intend to do, in the future. not everyone has the ability and will to plan out the next 25 years of their life in advance, and swear with their life they'll stay true to it. when i say im serious, that means im dead serious. i mean, alive serious. anyhow, im not going to tolerate anything less than what i expect to get. of course, i'll put much effort on it while im at it.
which brings us to the thing that'd been playing out in my mind this whole evening- death.
i know what i'll have to go through to get to where i want to be- a medical professional, world-renowed speaker, and insyaAllah, a respected noblewoman in the medical field, known globally for her skills and accuracy. it's going to be a very long road, i tell you, and i already know what path i shall take and what sacrifices i'll have to make to get there. this thing im about to pursue, and about to devote my whole life into, is NOT an easy thing. just becoming a doctor requires tremendous strength not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally. for although i still havent get much grasp of the whole situation, im perfectly aware of the emotional roller-coster a doctor will have to live every single day of her life.
people may declare that the hardest thing a medical student or a doctor will have to face in the course of their career will be having to keep up with the promises they make to the patients, their families, and those who care for them. these promises are made by trust, and hope that things will get better, that this person they're trusting will be able to help make things be easier and endurable for their loved ones. they gain a sense of security and a glimmer of hope when this person comes to the rescue, and maybe will get everything back to normal, just like before the disease was diagnosed, or before the accident occurred. i, too, felt the same way when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year. i hoped, and i really hoped, that the trust that i have for this one person responsible to help my aunt get better will be true to his words and walk his talk. everyone feels the same way. and no matter how different we were as a person before we walk through this threshold of uncertainties and hurt, before we had to expect the worse, we still end up feeling the same way about the same people.
and have you imagined how hard it could be for a doctor to keep up with that?
i dont know yet if i'll have any issues of handling or confronting dead bodies, but im sure that im not able to do it even with a dead animal. maybe that's a whole different story, because most of the people i will meet in the future as my patients will be no one i know, hopefully. but this, this time, eventhough i barely knew him, i dont know what makes it so hard for me to let go. eventhough id never have any memories of this baby, i felt like a monster knowing the fact that i couldve prevented it from happening. that if i had paid more attention to what's happening outside and not be too absorbed with myself, maybe he'll not die, and will grow up healthy, like the others did. but that didnt happen. and this happened instead. there's no use of looking back, there's nothing i can do to make things right anymore.
this worries me to the point that i doubt the decision ive made. if i cant handle one small loss like this, then how will i cope when i lose my first patient? how will i ever gain much strength to walk out of that very door, emotionally and physically exhausted, only to be bombarded with questions from his/her loved ones? how will i ever say 'im sorry, he didnt make it'?
for this small, simple thought that all of a sudden came to my mind, it made me realize, that doctors ARE one of the most courageous and brave profession on earth, after a parent.
i'll spend the rest of the evening mauling on this, though this might seem like a really
unimportant matter at the time. i'll have years to think this through, insyaAllah, but i just want to make sure that i'll be completely prepared when the real time comes.
'im sorry, there's nothing left we could do'
how really wonderful it could be if it would be as easy as that.
well, as 'young' as my friends like to think of me, i still think that i deserve some salute for my the things i did and what i intend to do, in the future. not everyone has the ability and will to plan out the next 25 years of their life in advance, and swear with their life they'll stay true to it. when i say im serious, that means im dead serious. i mean, alive serious. anyhow, im not going to tolerate anything less than what i expect to get. of course, i'll put much effort on it while im at it.
which brings us to the thing that'd been playing out in my mind this whole evening- death.
i know what i'll have to go through to get to where i want to be- a medical professional, world-renowed speaker, and insyaAllah, a respected noblewoman in the medical field, known globally for her skills and accuracy. it's going to be a very long road, i tell you, and i already know what path i shall take and what sacrifices i'll have to make to get there. this thing im about to pursue, and about to devote my whole life into, is NOT an easy thing. just becoming a doctor requires tremendous strength not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally. for although i still havent get much grasp of the whole situation, im perfectly aware of the emotional roller-coster a doctor will have to live every single day of her life.
people may declare that the hardest thing a medical student or a doctor will have to face in the course of their career will be having to keep up with the promises they make to the patients, their families, and those who care for them. these promises are made by trust, and hope that things will get better, that this person they're trusting will be able to help make things be easier and endurable for their loved ones. they gain a sense of security and a glimmer of hope when this person comes to the rescue, and maybe will get everything back to normal, just like before the disease was diagnosed, or before the accident occurred. i, too, felt the same way when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year. i hoped, and i really hoped, that the trust that i have for this one person responsible to help my aunt get better will be true to his words and walk his talk. everyone feels the same way. and no matter how different we were as a person before we walk through this threshold of uncertainties and hurt, before we had to expect the worse, we still end up feeling the same way about the same people.
and have you imagined how hard it could be for a doctor to keep up with that?
i dont know yet if i'll have any issues of handling or confronting dead bodies, but im sure that im not able to do it even with a dead animal. maybe that's a whole different story, because most of the people i will meet in the future as my patients will be no one i know, hopefully. but this, this time, eventhough i barely knew him, i dont know what makes it so hard for me to let go. eventhough id never have any memories of this baby, i felt like a monster knowing the fact that i couldve prevented it from happening. that if i had paid more attention to what's happening outside and not be too absorbed with myself, maybe he'll not die, and will grow up healthy, like the others did. but that didnt happen. and this happened instead. there's no use of looking back, there's nothing i can do to make things right anymore.
this worries me to the point that i doubt the decision ive made. if i cant handle one small loss like this, then how will i cope when i lose my first patient? how will i ever gain much strength to walk out of that very door, emotionally and physically exhausted, only to be bombarded with questions from his/her loved ones? how will i ever say 'im sorry, he didnt make it'?
for this small, simple thought that all of a sudden came to my mind, it made me realize, that doctors ARE one of the most courageous and brave profession on earth, after a parent.
i'll spend the rest of the evening mauling on this, though this might seem like a really
unimportant matter at the time. i'll have years to think this through, insyaAllah, but i just want to make sure that i'll be completely prepared when the real time comes.
'im sorry, there's nothing left we could do'
how really wonderful it could be if it would be as easy as that.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
of long-distance relationships
late-night phone calls. hm, i guess i;ll have to get used to the idea.
it's been quite a while since emyl last called, but i cant blame her for that, hehe. it's obvious that she'd grown frustrated because i rarely pick up the phone eveytime she does.
but last night she called, and we talked for an hour straight! hahaha eventhough it was REALLY late in the morning, she didnt seem tired or sleepy at all, while i was struggling to keep my eyes open and prevent myself from dozing off. it's really wonderful to hear stories from where she's studying, it gives me some sense of what im about to face when i get into my own college. hehe, college life doesnt seem to deter her a bit. so far she's still the same, still staying up late at night to watch kshows. so emyl.
well, there's this story that she'd told me, and im REALLY glad for her. eventhough it's stiill not confirmed what position this person we're talking about is in, im sure that if it's meant to be, it will be. i sure do hope that this person's an actual gentleman and not just putting facades up just to look nice, like most guys i know.
i told emyl about my principle of relationships (i know i still havent got any, or ever had any) and she was hahahahah shocked ( i think so). i think it's crucial that every girl to have a clear perspective of the real situation. guys these days are not like our fathers (back in their golden days). they dont just fall in love with one girl and stick with the notion of making her his. guys these days, im not trying to be offensive, are full of tricks. they'll say they like you one day, and the next, they'll dump you for another. i may have never been in that situation before, but i know better not to put all of my trust in one person and cling on to the fact that he'll be true to his words. from my experience assessing others' relationships, i find that guys' tendencies of staying true to his partner is just as much as the chances of a pig to fly.
whatever it is, she says that college life is okay. i hope she's true to her words. not like some other people.
it's been quite a while since emyl last called, but i cant blame her for that, hehe. it's obvious that she'd grown frustrated because i rarely pick up the phone eveytime she does.
but last night she called, and we talked for an hour straight! hahaha eventhough it was REALLY late in the morning, she didnt seem tired or sleepy at all, while i was struggling to keep my eyes open and prevent myself from dozing off. it's really wonderful to hear stories from where she's studying, it gives me some sense of what im about to face when i get into my own college. hehe, college life doesnt seem to deter her a bit. so far she's still the same, still staying up late at night to watch kshows. so emyl.
well, there's this story that she'd told me, and im REALLY glad for her. eventhough it's stiill not confirmed what position this person we're talking about is in, im sure that if it's meant to be, it will be. i sure do hope that this person's an actual gentleman and not just putting facades up just to look nice, like most guys i know.
i told emyl about my principle of relationships (i know i still havent got any, or ever had any) and she was hahahahah shocked ( i think so). i think it's crucial that every girl to have a clear perspective of the real situation. guys these days are not like our fathers (back in their golden days). they dont just fall in love with one girl and stick with the notion of making her his. guys these days, im not trying to be offensive, are full of tricks. they'll say they like you one day, and the next, they'll dump you for another. i may have never been in that situation before, but i know better not to put all of my trust in one person and cling on to the fact that he'll be true to his words. from my experience assessing others' relationships, i find that guys' tendencies of staying true to his partner is just as much as the chances of a pig to fly.
whatever it is, she says that college life is okay. i hope she's true to her words. not like some other people.
Friday, June 15, 2012
the thing with facebook
i have a love-hate relationship with social networking sites these days. it's been going on for a few months now, which is LONG, considering that i was such a junkie of these things back in my high school days. well, more so like a hate relationship with it, actually, because i think my life is better off without these sites. i dont get it now why i was si obsessed with those sites before. doesnt make sense at all.
well, i still keep myself a little tech-conscious by keeping my skype, yahoo, google and me2day account. besides, if i dont get to keep these, then there'll be no way for me to keep in touch with old friends (minus the cost). ive got to admit, 'friending' someone on these sites are proven to be cheaper, but if you keep with that attitude, these friends aint gonna last long, i tell you. you treat them like some shopping deal, then they'll come and go just like the year-end sale of some department store. get what i mean?
well, i still keep myself a little tech-conscious by keeping my skype, yahoo, google and me2day account. besides, if i dont get to keep these, then there'll be no way for me to keep in touch with old friends (minus the cost). ive got to admit, 'friending' someone on these sites are proven to be cheaper, but if you keep with that attitude, these friends aint gonna last long, i tell you. you treat them like some shopping deal, then they'll come and go just like the year-end sale of some department store. get what i mean?
Thursday, June 14, 2012
always love
In the gap between tall buildings, I found a rainbow.
On the streets after the rain, one day.
"I wanna show it to you too" while thinking so,
A smile unknowingly broke across my face, yeah.
Even when I'm depressed, I think of you,
It's really strange.
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Ever since I've met you, I've changed a little.
Maybe it's just a small matter, but
after being made to send mail*, which I used to be really bad at, "It's not so hard"
I'm starting to think so a little now.
A dream that I cannot fulfill just by myself, but if you're here...
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Everyday Everywhere
We're definitely under the same sky
Thank you for believing in me,
Just that, makes me happy.
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Always Love, Always Love
On the streets after the rain, one day.
"I wanna show it to you too" while thinking so,
A smile unknowingly broke across my face, yeah.
Even when I'm depressed, I think of you,
It's really strange.
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Ever since I've met you, I've changed a little.
Maybe it's just a small matter, but
after being made to send mail*, which I used to be really bad at, "It's not so hard"
I'm starting to think so a little now.
A dream that I cannot fulfill just by myself, but if you're here...
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Everyday Everywhere
We're definitely under the same sky
Thank you for believing in me,
Just that, makes me happy.
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Thank you for your cheering me
Thank you for your cheering me
Always Love, Always Love
Love, no matter when. This heart is given so much love
that it's overflowing. Always Love.
You are the reason for my smile.
Now, "I'm trying my best so that I can smile even when I can't see you"
I want to tell you that, right away. I want to send that message to you, with love.
Always Love, Always Love
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