admit it. at some points in life, we all have to stop what we're doing for awhile, and cant help but question ourselves, are we doing the right thing? and in the question of whether wrong or right this direction where we're heading, the road that we're taking, there's still the question of whether we're doing this for the sake of ourselves, or for the cause of others?
i cant help but ask myself these same questions over and over again. whether the bane of my existance really cease for a purpose, or was i just a mere mistake someone had made, that i was supposed to not be born, that my place was meant to be for someone else, but some slight casualities might have occured, and there i come, instead? am i entirely useless? am i really here to just go with the flow, let the wind take me where it wants?
but i dont have the power to decide for that. no one has. it just depends on Him. and i know, that if im here, if im born, and breathing, and alive at this moment, then i AM meant to be here for a purpose. i am not a waste of space.
and now the trouble lies on finding what that purpose could have been. am i to be a medical expert? that doesnt seem likely, given that i have a glitch with my brain that makes a career in the medical field close to impossible. im not sure that they would want someone like me in the team, the possibilities, the risks, they're too heavy to bear. and could i be someone that is destined to become the voice for others, to fight for their rights, to fight for their value in the raging world full of malice and greed? since i cant even stand up for myself and the ones i love all this while, that might not be it, as well.
guys, im trying. im trying really hard not to break down right now, not to think so badly about myself. but once in a while im allowed to give in to my weaknesses, right? that is the nature of being human, isnt it? we're all bound to make mistakes. we're all bound to just stop for a while, and let grief overcome us. that's what makes us human. and even though how many times ive tried to tell myself, time and time again, that i need to improve, i need to persevere, those words seem to be of no use.
i need this person. i need this certain someone id been missing for a long time, even when he's right here next to me. apart from thousands of miles and oceans between us, we're just separated by a computer screen, and two entirely different backgrounds, perspectives, and feelings. ive decided now that i dont need him as someone that i need to be here to find happiness, i just need him to be here as a companion. to help me get through the day, just like those days when we used to not have any clue about the future.
but given the circumstances, that we can be in the same place at the same time, and sharing the same ideas, it's revoltingly impossible, and i know from the very start that i shouldnt have hoped for it. that none of this could cease to exist.
im locking away some people from my life. those who had meant so much to me in the past, im running away from them, as far away as possible, as far away as my conscience would let me. it's horrible. im horrible, for doing this to them, but in reality, to be honest, im afraid. i fear of what lies ahead for us. and id been through too many heartbreaks that i fear to let myself in that game again. it's a serious offence, i know. but what could i do?
the past 3 years, could be the most memorable period of my life. ive learned the value of hoping, and having something to wish for. i miss that feeling. of having faith in something, and concealing myself, fighting away all those remarks people made. i persevered. i fought away all their bad thoughts, and all their awful words about never having the chance to start at all. well, now, after years of hoping, im ready to let go. i will have to admit that they had been right all along. but that doesnt mean that the way they are proving their point could be agreed with. sometimes in life, people know that they have to bring the horse to water, and succeeded in doing so, but most of them doesnt know that they're doing it the wrong away, and in the end, it just brings to the conclusion that no one really got an idea of what they're working with anyway.
im sorry, for all the hurt ive caused to those people whom i had cruelly left behind and shut away from my life. i have no bad intentions. it's just that im worried. im scared of what might happen if i let all of this to just happen. im not willing to take any responsibilities. therefore, im deeply, truly, teribbly, sorry.
i wont admit defeat. i will never do that, as long as i live. people, give me time. im in a teribbly long period of getting myself back on my feet and finding my senses which id accidentally dropped somewhere along this road, and i can assure you, that i'll be back there in no time.
life's like riding a bicycle. if you stop cycling, you might fall. it's okay to stop and enjoy the view around us for a while, but just make sure that you're keeping a firm feet on the ground, so as to make sure that you wont fall down, permanently.
having someone to watch your back is wonderful. there's this friend i have, or used to have, im not sure if they'll still consider me as a friend after all that id put them through, that could bring me out of anything. that can pull me back onto my feet and blow confidence in me with every word that they say. i appreciate their presence, and i could see their importance in my life, how i desperately need the motivation to keep on going. but sometimes, i think that we need to let go of something that might seem precious and priceless for us, so as to make ourselves stronger. to let them have a life of their own, and not concealed in the cocoon we've made for them. we HAVE to let them go. and that's what ive decided to do.
thank you, for all those beautiful memories you'd let me have, ya Allah, and i promise, that i'll try to find many more in the days to come.
thank you, for all your kindness and inspiration you've showered me with, dear friend(s), for all of those that you showed me couldnt be replaced with any kinds of precious gems or jewel. you are my own kind of stone. my very own kind of ruby.
thank you, dear someone, for giving me hope when everything seems down and wrong, for giving me shelter when the rain just wouldnt stop pouring, and for giving me warmth in the coldest nights. thanks for giving me something to hope for, thanks for even letting me in that small door into your life. thanks again, my appreciation for your endless kindness. may the odds be with you, may peace and security always be with you, may you be guarded by the strength of those who loves you.
dear life, im sorry ive put you through so much pain, and i promise you, i PROMISE you that i will never let myself through that awful period again. i will go through nothing but happiness from now on, insyaAllah, and i will be nothing but the best from now on, now that i have something in my hands to grab when i start to fall down, now that i have a shoulder to land when eyes feel too heavy with tears, now that i have a heart that's been mended, now that i have someone in it to fill the empty space. and no matter how far we could be from each other, may Allah always protect us from any harm, and guard us with His love and compassion.
somewhere out there, i know someone will be waiting. and im gonna make sure that those years of waiting wont go wasted. i'll come as someone worthy enough, insyaAllah.
till the day that we finally meet, let's pray for each other, for us to be protected from any harm.
insyaAllah.
i cant help but ask myself these same questions over and over again. whether the bane of my existance really cease for a purpose, or was i just a mere mistake someone had made, that i was supposed to not be born, that my place was meant to be for someone else, but some slight casualities might have occured, and there i come, instead? am i entirely useless? am i really here to just go with the flow, let the wind take me where it wants?
but i dont have the power to decide for that. no one has. it just depends on Him. and i know, that if im here, if im born, and breathing, and alive at this moment, then i AM meant to be here for a purpose. i am not a waste of space.
and now the trouble lies on finding what that purpose could have been. am i to be a medical expert? that doesnt seem likely, given that i have a glitch with my brain that makes a career in the medical field close to impossible. im not sure that they would want someone like me in the team, the possibilities, the risks, they're too heavy to bear. and could i be someone that is destined to become the voice for others, to fight for their rights, to fight for their value in the raging world full of malice and greed? since i cant even stand up for myself and the ones i love all this while, that might not be it, as well.
guys, im trying. im trying really hard not to break down right now, not to think so badly about myself. but once in a while im allowed to give in to my weaknesses, right? that is the nature of being human, isnt it? we're all bound to make mistakes. we're all bound to just stop for a while, and let grief overcome us. that's what makes us human. and even though how many times ive tried to tell myself, time and time again, that i need to improve, i need to persevere, those words seem to be of no use.
i need this person. i need this certain someone id been missing for a long time, even when he's right here next to me. apart from thousands of miles and oceans between us, we're just separated by a computer screen, and two entirely different backgrounds, perspectives, and feelings. ive decided now that i dont need him as someone that i need to be here to find happiness, i just need him to be here as a companion. to help me get through the day, just like those days when we used to not have any clue about the future.
but given the circumstances, that we can be in the same place at the same time, and sharing the same ideas, it's revoltingly impossible, and i know from the very start that i shouldnt have hoped for it. that none of this could cease to exist.
im locking away some people from my life. those who had meant so much to me in the past, im running away from them, as far away as possible, as far away as my conscience would let me. it's horrible. im horrible, for doing this to them, but in reality, to be honest, im afraid. i fear of what lies ahead for us. and id been through too many heartbreaks that i fear to let myself in that game again. it's a serious offence, i know. but what could i do?
the past 3 years, could be the most memorable period of my life. ive learned the value of hoping, and having something to wish for. i miss that feeling. of having faith in something, and concealing myself, fighting away all those remarks people made. i persevered. i fought away all their bad thoughts, and all their awful words about never having the chance to start at all. well, now, after years of hoping, im ready to let go. i will have to admit that they had been right all along. but that doesnt mean that the way they are proving their point could be agreed with. sometimes in life, people know that they have to bring the horse to water, and succeeded in doing so, but most of them doesnt know that they're doing it the wrong away, and in the end, it just brings to the conclusion that no one really got an idea of what they're working with anyway.
im sorry, for all the hurt ive caused to those people whom i had cruelly left behind and shut away from my life. i have no bad intentions. it's just that im worried. im scared of what might happen if i let all of this to just happen. im not willing to take any responsibilities. therefore, im deeply, truly, teribbly, sorry.
i wont admit defeat. i will never do that, as long as i live. people, give me time. im in a teribbly long period of getting myself back on my feet and finding my senses which id accidentally dropped somewhere along this road, and i can assure you, that i'll be back there in no time.
life's like riding a bicycle. if you stop cycling, you might fall. it's okay to stop and enjoy the view around us for a while, but just make sure that you're keeping a firm feet on the ground, so as to make sure that you wont fall down, permanently.
having someone to watch your back is wonderful. there's this friend i have, or used to have, im not sure if they'll still consider me as a friend after all that id put them through, that could bring me out of anything. that can pull me back onto my feet and blow confidence in me with every word that they say. i appreciate their presence, and i could see their importance in my life, how i desperately need the motivation to keep on going. but sometimes, i think that we need to let go of something that might seem precious and priceless for us, so as to make ourselves stronger. to let them have a life of their own, and not concealed in the cocoon we've made for them. we HAVE to let them go. and that's what ive decided to do.
thank you, for all those beautiful memories you'd let me have, ya Allah, and i promise, that i'll try to find many more in the days to come.
thank you, for all your kindness and inspiration you've showered me with, dear friend(s), for all of those that you showed me couldnt be replaced with any kinds of precious gems or jewel. you are my own kind of stone. my very own kind of ruby.
thank you, dear someone, for giving me hope when everything seems down and wrong, for giving me shelter when the rain just wouldnt stop pouring, and for giving me warmth in the coldest nights. thanks for giving me something to hope for, thanks for even letting me in that small door into your life. thanks again, my appreciation for your endless kindness. may the odds be with you, may peace and security always be with you, may you be guarded by the strength of those who loves you.
dear life, im sorry ive put you through so much pain, and i promise you, i PROMISE you that i will never let myself through that awful period again. i will go through nothing but happiness from now on, insyaAllah, and i will be nothing but the best from now on, now that i have something in my hands to grab when i start to fall down, now that i have a shoulder to land when eyes feel too heavy with tears, now that i have a heart that's been mended, now that i have someone in it to fill the empty space. and no matter how far we could be from each other, may Allah always protect us from any harm, and guard us with His love and compassion.
somewhere out there, i know someone will be waiting. and im gonna make sure that those years of waiting wont go wasted. i'll come as someone worthy enough, insyaAllah.
till the day that we finally meet, let's pray for each other, for us to be protected from any harm.
insyaAllah.
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