new year's eve :D

so, i guess we're doing this all over again, ha?

actually, this post's title was supposed to be - stupid me, because somehow, id just realized that today was actually the last day that i had for the year 2011, before everything changes when the clock strucks 12 midnight, about a few minutes ago. and all along i thought that i had one more day tomorrow to repent for all my mistakes that i did this year and make wrong things right before it's too late.

great, now i'll never get free tickets to shinee concerts for birthday next year. everyone's going to think that im not worth being appreciated, well, at least not that much that you just need desperately to get them those dang tickets because they're too adorable to turn down. nope, not anymore, i guess.

so, what to say, eh? ive got no idea.

well, let's see, what made my year 2011? most of my time this year was spent on studying (or pretty much fooling around during physics class, and never really paying much attention in chem lab until a shitty 49 in my mid-term paper came out of the blue and was nothing but a slap across my face) and well, debate practices. discussions. being away for days to participate open debates, state competitions. most of the thing we did was win, win and win again, but dont worry, we've got our fair share of dissapointments and failures, just like any teams should. but i cant say that it was that bad, after all. it's all some beautiful memories that i can tell off to my kids in the future, and they can tell them to their childer, until all children grow old. pfft, yeah, right. as if im really that famous to have my 'legacy' being passed from generation to generation being treated like a family heirloom. im practically history. and a decaying fossil in soil in a few years' time, anyway.

it's so hard to believe. it feels just like yesterday that i was celebrating, rejuvenating the start of another year, the year 2011, my senior year in school. now it has all come to an end, or pretty much, ive come to a new beginning. last year on this date i was feeling pretty much gloomy being all by myself, and well, let's just admit, today too. and we both already know what my new year resolution's going to be right? aw, come on. it's been the same thing for what? 4 years already. id been wishing for the same thing since i was 14. it's not that easy to let go, you know.

im ready to begin again. this time, i hope that i wont be making any enemies, because certainly im going to need all the time i have to burry my face in my books and fight off the days till i finally become a doctor, right? im certainly not going to let anything but my studies occupy my mind. that is, if i manage to get myself into medical school before i grow too old for it. hehehe.

i do hope that i'll be able to get straight a's. ive told myself that it will be fine even if it's not a string of a plusses. besides, im not sure that i could get them from the start anyway. but i really need straight a's if i want to plant myself in any good places and secure a spot for a goddamn scholarship, pretty much securing my future as well. it doesnt help that my parents' views that if i dont get myself in any universaties abroad then im practically hopeless are daunting on me. i just hope that things will turn out fine, especially after what happened during spm. o, gosh. now im scared.

my new year's resolution includes having the chance to travel and have a vacation in korea, for at least a week. most of my friends had been there. and why not say it? im practically dying to get there. my parents are not much into the plan that i made with emyl. that's just sooo my parents. they say that they agree with my plans on the first place, and then in the last minute, they'll pretend that something had come up and say that we couldnt. o gosh, when will i be able to go anywhere i want?

korea, korea korea.

taemin, taemin, taemin.

happy new year, people. may all your wishes come true?

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 6

<---GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 5

In high school, I wasn’t really the best runner, just an occasional leading in a track event makes me one of the prominent figures, a promising athlete in the school’s eyes. I can throw spears, and jump an impressive amount of length too, but I was careful not to drive myself too far, to draw too much attention than it was good for me. The last thing I would want to happen was having eyes boring on my back wherever I go, and have sponsors running after me to get me to agree with their endless promotions. I was careful not to get anyone too close, no one else than my close friends, those who had known me since forever. I’d never give out much about myself, just things that normal people would have known even if they didn’t ask themselves- my age, my gender, where I came from originally, tops. Nothing more than that. Now, suddenly I’d regret my decision. If I had just taken up sports and just be good and busy with my trainings, then I wouldn’t have met Taemin uppa, and we wouldn’t have fallen for each other and get married. And all of this would be nothing but a bad dream, not reality.



I used to love the feel of adrenaline gushing through my veins every time I run, as if I had liquid lead in my body instead of blood. I would spend even at least an hour each day to give myself a time to find peace by running. I enjoyed the feel of air rushing past me as I tried to defy the odds and save myself an amount of gratitude with speed. Now, I’m not so sure if I could really make it. There’s no sense of victory that seems to hang in the air for me this day.


I stared, my eyes empty, outside the window as the trees rushed by in a green blur. The uppas were crammed in the backseat, silently preparing them for the worst. I knew what they must be thinking, and believe me; I was just as worried as they were. But the ringing of the silence stopped us from discussing the possibilities any further. At this point of time, I thought, even a small piece of luck would do.


Closer and closer, and finally, as if a day had gone by instead of a few minutes, we reached the foot of the building. The entrance was blocked by iron gates that leaned over us, perfectly covering us from the scorching sun in its shadow. It was held close together by a long piece of silver chain, but wasn’t locked. This made me surer that I wasn’t heading to the wrong direction. If we were lucky enough, we might find Victoria up in the roof, waiting for me to get this over with. But indeed, that would need me a big chunk of frigging luck to get Victoria to let that happen. She wouldn’t want the exciting game to end too abruptly before causing me much hurt than she wanted to.


Onew uppa stepped before us and pushed the iron gates slowly. The silver chain that linked the gates fell to the concrete ground with a loud ring that seemed to echo in every direction.


“I’ll go on my own now,” I said without turning my back to face them.


Just as I was about to set my right foot into the entrance, a hand grabbed me by the shoulder, locking me in its tight grip. I struggled to keep my balance as he turned me backwards to face them all, right into the exasperated faces of the uppas, eyes boring on me, flaming with anger. Anger for not letting them in and lend a helping hand. Anger for not believing.


I shrugged off his hand and made an attempt to sound stern, but my voice sounded more like a whimper. “You heard her, she wants me here alone. No company.”


“That’s what she says. She might not be alone herself up there. Suppose she has someone else with her, one whole gang, they can easily take you down without a fight,” Minho uppa glowered above me, “We know this is not going to be a fair fight from the start, Soo-Jin. They’re going to make the situation favorable for them in any ways. You need us there, no buts.”


When they start making their decision, there was no way that I could make them change it. So I just let them tag along, or it was me that was given the permission to go with them, I don’t know.


The tower had long been abandoned, and clearly neglected. There was no hope to get the elevators working in a building that had been left for more than 8 years by the time, so we had to take the stairs. All 24 levels. And the uppas didn’t even let out a pant.


As we reached the 23rd floor, I couldn’t get my nerves to rest. I was practically jumping in my boots, the exhaustion drained out of me in a flourish. My cheeks were flushed from the exercise, my jacket drenched with sweat. I sprinted up the stairs to the 24th floor, and halted at the door that led to the rooftop, my hand gripping the doorknob, a sudden wave of fear flooding me. Key uppa was the first to keep up with me. He loosened my tight grip on the doorknob and my hand fell to my side. Whatever there was that lies waiting for us behind this closed door, I wasn’t ready for it. I couldn’t bear with the possibilities of what might lie ahead for us- a death trap? A gaping hole, waiting for us to plunge into the darkness, and never come out again? Taemin uppa, his skin as cold as ice, the blood and life drained out of him, beaten to death?


“Stay behind,” Onew uppa whispered in my ear, and one by one, they stepped before me in a protective way, concealing me from what was waiting out the on the rooftop for us. I didn’t hesitate this time. For the first time in my life, I let my fears overcome me.


The door opened a crack. A swoosh of air escaped from the small opening, icy against our skin. Assured that there was no axe-murderer hiding behind the walls waiting to pounce on us, Key uppa nudged the door open wider, and stepped out into the cold. As expected, the air was unbelievably cool. It swooshed by, attacking us with sudden heavy gusts, came and went hauntingly. My hands felt clammy despite the weather. I didn’t realize that I was clutching for dear life on Onew uppa’s hand until he made a move to push me further behind him, motioning me to steer clear out of this, to stay behind and let them carry on. But I didn’t want to. I summed up whatever courage that was left in me and shook my head, my eyebrows furrowed in determination. “I can run if anything happens,” I assured him, and Onew uppa turned his attention back to what lay in front of us, not willing to start another argument.


We could see the rest of Seoul high up on this tower. The wind carried the buzzing of life that lay under us. I could hear the sound of the vehicles on the streets; it was peak hour of the day. Distant conversations, laughter, shouting. The scent baking bread from a nearby bakery. The smell of bouquets of flowers being arranged by expert hands at a nursery not far from where we were standing high up in the air. This was the closest we could get to safety, if it wasn’t for the thought that someone might be hiding here, awaiting, searching for a hole in our defense, ready to stab the life out of us. Where are you, Victoria? I whispered to myself. I’ve come now, so just get out from wherever you are hiding.






“Nothing. No one here, I guess.” Key uppa gestured that it was safe enough for us to step ahead, and we did. The rooftop spread wide before us. Now that I’d noticed, the sky was getting darker by the minute. We scanned the rest of the place, spotting something very unusual but couldn’t really get a finger on it. For a place that was abandoned for more or less 8 years, the place was unusually pretty.. Clean. If it was the right word to describe it. Beside from the rusting antennas that laid scattered on the floor and a beaten, old Ford Fiesta perched at the corner of the skyscraper, there was nothing left to describe the rest of the place.


And old car, that was making this whole thing unusual. An old car… on the top of the roof?


Onew uppa spotted the old thing before me and was already making his way to the car, with slow, curious steps, with the other uppas trailing behind him. I followed them, my lips sealed shut, my tongue frozen in its place. If there was someone waiting to kill us, running could even be a challenge for me. My legs were so wobbly that it felt like jelly.


We crept closer to the car, the small details of it got more clear and visible now that we were standing at such a short distance from it. The white spots where the paint was peeled off, the rust that had made a hole in the bodice of the car. Onew uppa stepped closer and finally reached it. His back was hunched as he bent down to look through the window that was shrouded with mist, his eyes peering, eyebrows furrowed. For a minute, his face was expressionless. Minho uppa immediately flanked himself to Onew uppa’s side, knocking him away as he tried to figure out what was waiting in the car himself.


Something was not right. I looked at Onew uppa, searching for at least a tinge of emotion that could suggest what it was in the car that could knock him into such a trance. Agony. Pain. Confusion. They were pooled in, mixed in a jumble of knots in Onew uppa's cold stare. 


“Uppa? Is everything… alright?” I croaked. I started to step closer to them, my feet making baby steps on the concrete ground, shaky and frightful. What is it? I wanted to scream to them. Tell me what it is!


Onew uppa looked past me, I knew that he was trying to telling Key uppa something from his glare. But I didn’t care what they were talking about in their heads. I wanted nothing but to have a look for what there was in the car myself, to see if my nightmare was really coming true. If he was really there, just as I feared and hoped he would.. either dead, or alive.


“Key! Take her away, now!” Onew uppa bellowed. “Now!”


“What is it?! Let me see it myself!” I screamed. Key uppa was already standing behind me, his hands locked at my sides, pulling me away from the car as I struggled to get myself out of his iron grip. He was holding me too tight. So tight that he must’ve stopped the circulation in my hands, but that did nothing about my fastened heartbeat, the constant thumping in my chest that just got louder and louder. My eyes were locked on the car. Whatever it was that they wanted to hide from me, they’re not going to succeed in doing so. So I fought.


It was such a weak action, I know, but it was the only resolution I could find to get myself out of Key uppa’s tight embrace. Cursing myself for having to take such action, I drew a deep, ragged breath, and plunged my face onto Key uppa’s bare arm that locked me in a tight hold, and bit, as hard as my strength let me.


Key uppa screamed in agony and automatically, his hands fell, accidentally releasing me. Once freed, I sprinted right next to Minho uppa, a flood of emotions engulfing me. And I finally see it. What it was that laid waiting for me in the car, what Victoria had arranged for me. My heartbeat seemed to stop. My eyes widened in terror. My arms fell limply to my sides. Bile rose from my stomach, into my mouth, threatening to spill out.


“Minho! Get her away from here!” I heard Onew uppa bellowed behind me. Steel hands grasped me from behind, but this time I didn’t fight them off. Not that I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t find the strength in me to do it. I was still as a stone, as the reality of was I saw in the car settled in my mind. One by one.


I knew this was coming. I knew what was waiting for me… there.


The blond hair, the cracked lips. His eyes bulged in their sockets, a sign of pain and terror at the last seconds of his life. The bludgeoned body, spilled with blood. His head was tilted to the side, his mouth open to a gaping hole. He must’ve been screaming, calling for help as they tried to kill him. The seats, the vinyl covers- they were all soaked in the sickly red liquid. His clothes were nothing but shreds that fell off from his shoulders, exposing his bare chest. But that was just it. There, in his chest, where his heart was supposed to be, was nothing but a gaping, bloody hole. Empty.


It took me less than a minute to let it register into my mind. And then my eyes finally saw through the dead body, the agonized face frozen since the time of his death. I recognized who this was, and then I saw not the corpse that we couldn’t save, but the image of his face smiling down at me on my wedding day, handing me the bouquet of flowers and pecking me lightly on my forehead. The very same face that used to smile soothingly at me before.


I was knocked out of air. My lungs felt empty, parched, burned.


I plunged myself to him his dead body, my mind momentarily lost.


“Uppa!!”

hello, :D

im here to celebrate the historical event of my blog reaching the 300th post. and that, my friend, is something worth celebrating for.

considering the fact that no one really reads my blog except than my biggest and most loyal fan, who no other is my big sister, it's a miracle where i could even find the interest or determination to write. and yet, because i dont want to dissapoint my one and only standing fan, im still writing, and not intending to stop anytime in the future. let's just say that this blog is going to pretty much watch and join me as i go through events that are going to unfold in my future. im anticipating for it. i do. :D

so most of us had been through this period in our life. right now i dont have any ideas on what to rant about here, in my legendary 300th post, but im not going to stop writing, because this is such a big event, i couldnt find the heart to even fail myself. so i keep writing. so-so.

this might be a bit boring for the rest of the world, that is, they happen to come across my blog and had the time and intention to read it. but being me, i dont care what other people say about me. well, not virtually, anyway. believe me, if there's anything that i cant stand, it's someone that talks behind my back. i mean behind my back in person. not online. see the difference?

most of my friends say that im somehow losing my mind. i dont see the real reason for them being that cruel to say such a thing about me. but well, again, being me, i dont really give a damn. im fine being me, and am not intending to stop being me either. so-so.
hahaha,

im starting to laugh at myself. this is funny. i am funny. just hours ago i had been typing my feelings away on this blog, being so emotional, and then, suddenly, im starting to sound like an idiot. no wonder no one really pays any attention to whatever i say. the only time that people would really give me the chance to talk and pay attention, is when i was given the turn to speak in debates. and i miss those moments.

oh, now dont let me rant on about my whole debate journey. you might somehow regret it. im gonna act like an old woman, recounting back her old, golden days, when her skin was a little bit fairer and tighter, no crow's feet, and so many wonderful things..

okay, no im starting to sound like a pervert.

till then, i'll say goodbye to you, people.

wish me luck on my healing journey. :D

you know what i mean.

this is the reason that my life in stf was great, and the source of my inspiration and will to suceed. these are the people who had greatly helped me find myself, and gave me so many things to expect in what i thought had been a dull life. this is the cause of my success, and the reason that i even had the want to taste victory. these are my babes. :D

These are the greatest debaters ive ever met :D

searching

admit it. at some points in life, we all have to stop what we're doing for awhile, and cant help but question ourselves, are we doing the right thing? and in the question of whether wrong or right this direction where we're heading, the road that we're taking, there's still the question of whether we're doing this for the sake of ourselves, or for the cause of others?

i cant help but ask myself these same questions over and over again. whether the bane of my existance really cease for a purpose, or was i just a mere mistake someone had made, that i was supposed to not be born, that my place was meant to be for someone else, but some slight casualities might have occured, and there i come, instead? am i entirely useless? am i really here to just go with the flow, let the wind take me where it wants?

but i dont have the power to decide for that. no one has. it just depends on Him. and i know, that if im here, if im born, and breathing, and alive at this moment, then i AM meant to be here for a purpose. i am not a waste of space.

and now the trouble lies on finding what that purpose could have been. am i to be a medical expert? that doesnt seem likely, given that i have a glitch with my brain that makes a career in the medical field close to impossible. im not sure that they would want someone like me in the team, the possibilities, the risks, they're too heavy to bear. and could i be someone that is destined to become the voice for others, to fight for their rights, to fight for their value in the raging world full of malice and greed? since i cant even stand up for myself and the ones i love all this while, that might not be it, as well.

guys, im trying. im trying really hard not to break down right now, not to think so badly about myself. but once in a while im allowed to give in to my weaknesses, right? that is the nature of being human, isnt it? we're all bound to make mistakes. we're all bound to just stop for a while, and let grief overcome us. that's what makes us human. and even though how many times ive tried to tell myself, time and time again, that i need to improve, i need to persevere, those words seem to be of no use.

i need this person. i need this certain someone id been missing for a long time, even when he's right here next to me. apart from thousands of miles and oceans between us, we're just separated by a computer screen, and two entirely different backgrounds, perspectives, and feelings. ive decided now that i dont need him as someone that i need to be here to find happiness, i just need him to be here as a companion. to help me get through the day, just like those days when we used to not have any clue about the future.

but given the circumstances, that we can be in the same place at the same time, and sharing the same ideas, it's revoltingly impossible, and i know from the very start that i shouldnt have hoped for it. that none of this could cease to exist.

im locking away some people from my life. those who had meant so much to me in the past, im running away from them, as far away as possible, as far away as my conscience would let me. it's horrible. im horrible, for doing this to them, but in reality, to be honest, im afraid. i fear of what lies ahead for us. and id been through too many heartbreaks that i fear to let myself in that game again. it's a serious offence, i know. but what could i do?

the past 3 years, could be the most memorable period of my life. ive learned the value of hoping, and having something to wish for. i miss that feeling. of having faith in something, and concealing myself, fighting away all those remarks people made. i persevered. i fought away all their bad thoughts, and all their awful words about never having the chance to start at all. well, now, after years of hoping, im ready to let go. i will have to admit that they had been right all along. but that doesnt mean that the way they are proving their point could be agreed with. sometimes in life, people know that they have to bring the horse to water, and succeeded in doing so, but most of them doesnt know that they're doing it the wrong away, and in the end, it just brings to the conclusion that no one really got an idea of what they're working with anyway.

im sorry, for all the hurt ive caused to those people whom i had cruelly left behind and shut away from my life. i have no bad intentions. it's just that im worried. im scared of what might happen if i let all of this to just happen. im not willing to take any responsibilities. therefore, im deeply, truly, teribbly, sorry.

i wont admit defeat. i will never do that, as long as i live. people, give me time. im in a teribbly long period of getting myself back on my feet and finding my senses which id accidentally dropped somewhere along this road, and i can assure you, that i'll be back there in no time.

life's like riding a bicycle. if you stop cycling, you might fall. it's okay to stop and enjoy the view around us for a while, but just make sure that you're keeping a firm feet on the ground, so as to make sure that you wont fall down, permanently.

having someone to watch your back is wonderful. there's this friend i have, or used to have, im not sure if they'll still consider me as a friend after all that id put them through, that could bring me out of anything. that can pull me back onto my feet and blow confidence in me with every word that they say. i appreciate their presence, and i could see their importance in my life, how i desperately need the motivation to keep on going. but sometimes, i think that we need to let go of something that might seem precious and priceless for us, so as to make ourselves stronger. to let them have a life of their own, and not concealed in the cocoon we've made for them. we HAVE to let them go. and that's what ive decided to do.

thank you, for all those beautiful memories you'd let me have, ya Allah, and i promise, that i'll try to find many more in the days to come.

thank you, for all your kindness and inspiration you've showered me with, dear friend(s), for all of those that you showed me couldnt be replaced with any kinds of precious gems or jewel. you are my own kind of stone. my very own kind of ruby.

thank you, dear someone, for giving me hope when everything seems down and wrong, for giving me shelter when the rain just wouldnt stop pouring, and for giving me warmth in the coldest nights. thanks for giving me something to hope for, thanks for even letting me in that small door into your life. thanks again, my appreciation for your endless kindness. may the odds be with you, may peace and security always be with you, may you be guarded by the strength of those who loves you.

dear life, im sorry ive put you through so much pain, and i promise you, i PROMISE you that i will never let myself through that awful period again. i will go through nothing but happiness from now on, insyaAllah, and i will be nothing but the best from now on, now that i have something in my hands to grab when i start to fall down, now that i have a shoulder to land when eyes feel too heavy with tears, now that i have a heart that's been mended, now that i have someone in it to fill the empty space. and no matter how far we could be from each other, may Allah always protect us from any harm, and guard us with His love and compassion.

somewhere out there, i know someone will be waiting. and im gonna make sure that those years of waiting wont go wasted. i'll come as someone worthy enough, insyaAllah.

till the day that we finally meet, let's pray for each other, for us to be protected from any harm.

insyaAllah.

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 5

<---GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 4

For all that I knew, I could probably be dreaming. Never had I imagined any of these could happen in my blissful life, not before I met Taemin uppa, not after I was blessed with a life having him as a big part of me. It was an impasse, with no turning points. It all seemed outrageous, yet so true. There was only one way out, and that passage could lead either to an open door or just another wrong turn in the maze. One slight mistake could lead to fatal consequences. Another life could be put at stake at every decision that I make.



I knew, from the very beginning that I made the decision to just go with Victoria’s scheme, that it was never going to be anything easy. I was in this alone, no matter how the uppas would want to help me with this.


The rest of the world seemed insignificant to me. Time seemed to stand still, the clock stopped ticking the minute I saw the recorded scene in the tape. I could never get the screeching, taunting sound that came out of the speakers the minute the tape played out of my memory box, and I knew that never in my whole life would I find a way to forget everything that I saw just now.


I gripped the armrest of the mahogany chair for support, using too much force that the white knuckles of my hand could be seen clearly under my translucent skin. I could hear Onew uppa and Minho uppa’s voices calling out to me, I could feel the warmth of their skin as they shook me, trying to get me to respond to them.


“Soo Jin! Lee Soon Jin-ah!” Minho uppa knelt so that his face was right in front of mine, so close that I could feel his breath on my face. It seemed to startle me to wake.


Slowly the words I’d heard from the tape dawned on me. They settled in my mind, forming a chain of unrelenting emotions.


A small, yet so crowded room. Thick, grey smoke shrouded the atmosphere. The details of the room were laid so clear to see from the angle the tape was recorded. Black walls, the floor was covered with nothing but a thin white sheet that spread wide across the linoleum. High up, near the ceiling, a small window was painted shut. But all of these were nothing to me. I didn’t even care to figure out where it might be, or find any clue that could lead me there. I knew better not to. Instead, there was only one feature that really caught my attention, gnawing at my conscience. There, perched in the small, wooden chair in the middle of the room, beaten unconscious, was the person that I would go to hell and back for. I recognized his familiar features the moment I laid my eyes on him, looking so weak and helpless, probably being starved by his inhumane captor. My heart almost went out my mouth. A growl escaped from my throat, more like a feline ready to leap to attack. My insides burned, I could feel the anger seeping through every inch of my skin. I itched in my seat, wanting more than anything to run out of the doors and run frantically in all directions, to search for her. To kill her.


He was still dressed in the cream shirt he was wearing the morning that he disappeared. It was the one that Luna unnie gave him for his 17th birthday, the day we first met. I could remember every fine details of the shirt, awed yet traumatized of how it had completely altered since the past hours. It was no longer a bleached, soothing crème color I remembered it to be. It was now covered, drenched with the redness of his blood, and I could see that he was still bleeding. I couldn’t bear watching this any longer, yet it was very important.


A whimper escaped from his parched lips and I suddenly wanted to jump right on the tv and smash it to pieces, but just remained silent in my seat, my fist clenched tight at my sides. My fingernails dug into my palm, red liquid oozed through the open gashes. It was painful, but the pain that I felt from watching him in that condition was more impossible to bear.


“Taemin uppa,” I croaked. Silence. No response from him. Of course, I was an idiot to expect him to hear me. He wasn’t here. Worse, it could be that he’s not there with them too.


But I was wrong, or sort of. As if he heard my thoughts, listened to my deep ramblings and cries of despair, his head tilted up, looking anxiously, weakly, around the room, and finally, his gaze rested on the camcorder before him. For a minute I thought that he could see me here. Our eyes locked for an instant. I sensed hope. Hope that maybe this was about to turn out fine. That even though we might not be able to save him yet, he’s still hanging on, he hadn’t give up. He’s still there, breathing, alive.






“Lee Soo-Jin,” Suddenly a voice broke the eerie silence. Onew uppa peered closer without knowing, while Minho uppa stayed where he was, his eyes glued to the screen. I knew this voice. I knew her. Of course I did. It was impossible to dismiss the familiarity of the tone, the excitement I could sense in it, happy that she was finally doing something right, something that was breaking me down, and something that was hurting me. Finally. I could almost hear her jeering and taunting at me, dancing happily as she watched me burned slowly. So Victoria. So common of her to feel just that about me.


Silence. And then laughter escaped from her invincible lips. It screeched in my ears like the sound of nails being raked on a blackboard.


“Soo-Jin ah, I’m here.. Soo-Jin dongsaeng,”


“Soo-Jin! Don’t listen to her!” Taemin uppa groaned.


“Don’t mind the dog, he’s very impatient,” She jeered. Bitch.


“Anyways, I can see that we have something in common now. You know what I want, dongsaeng. Deary little dongsaeng, unnie wants…. You.”


I froze. The uppas’ heads turned to me, and then back to the screen, knew better not to ask anything at the moment.


Unnie.. I was surprised that she even considered her that way to me anymore. Bitch.Bitch.Bitch.


“Soo-Jin dongsaeng, I’m sure that you want him safe more than anything else right now,” she trailed off. “Even if I ask you to jump off a building in order to let him loose, you wouldn’t have said no to that, will you?” She said the last words with a flourish, like she was smiling ear to ear as she said this.


“Let’s not make things too complicated.”


A loud band rang in the background. Taemin uppa, he was lying limp on the ground, having fell of the wooden chair. His face was scrunched up in agony. His fringe was plastered to his forehead, the blond shade stained red. “No! Soo-Jin! Don’t listen to what she says, she’s tricking-“


Taemin uppa didn’t even manage to finish his last word. Suddenly a group of gangly men rushed to his side and tugged him off the ground, using too much force that the collar of his shirt was ripped apart, revealing a thin slit on his chest that trailed down his stomach…


God, I couldn’t take this anymore.


“Oh, you know how dogs are when they’re starved, Soo-Jin. You should know that better than I do, having lived with him for what? A month? O, how terrific. My little sister is married off to a canine. Yet I wasn’t even invited to join the wonderful occasion,” she giggled hauntingly. “I told you you’re going to be sorry for what you did, Soo-Jin. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”


“Soo-Jin!!” A shrill scream. I could see the men towering above him, one by one, taking their turns on hitting him. His head, his chest, his stomach, again and again. “Soo-Jin!!” and then, he vomited. Sickly, red, liquid.






“Uppa!” I jumped off my seat. “Uppa!!!”






“I don’t want to push myself any further, Soo-Jin. You know how I hate to be the only one trying. So let’s get this over with. You know where to find me, dongsaeng. Unnie will wait for you. No cops, no company. Just the two of us. Arachi?”


And to that, the screen went pitch black. The end.


“Hey, you guys, I was wondering…” Key uppa came in from the front door, shaking his shoes off at the threshold as he struggled to shrug himself out of his overcoat. The uppas didn’t even look at his direction; I could sense their eyes boring at my back, wondering whether if it was right if they start to fire me with questions, asking for answers to the many enquires that screamed in their head, waiting to be intended to, and waiting for answers. I knew what they must be thinking of, what they wanted to know.


“Hey, I’ve been calling Jonghyun hyung many times; he hadn’t answered, and didn’t even reply my texts. I wonder if he got himself into trouble at the company or something. Don’t you think that the president might have…” Sensing that he wasn’t being paid attention to, he looked up from the phone in his hand, and stared at us, bewildered. “What happened?” His eyes gaze fell on the TV screen and the black tape which was sticking out from the player, and suddenly happened to understand the situation.


He quickly went to my side, kneeling so that his face was just level to mine. He smelt faintly of cologne and sweat.


“Soo-Jin ah, let’s just call the cops, okay?” Minho uppa totted.


“There is nothing that we can do about this without putting someone’s life at stake. Soo-Jin ah, we’re sorry, but we think that it’s best that we just give this case up to the police and see what they can do about it, it’s the safest way possible,” Onew uppa coaxed me.


No, it’s not going to be that easy. Victoria is never going to let me get away with it if I call the cops. She’s a slick bitch. She knew all the ways to escape, all my soft spots, all my weaknesses. If I were to go against her words, that might prove to be a challenge that I send her way. Victoria -shi hated challenges. She hated anyone that could be foolish enough to take her words lightly. She would make me regret it if I did anything beyond her command. She would.


“Anni,” I said sternly, behind gritted teeth. “Uppa,” I looked up and scanned each of these faces, trying to cast a strong look on my face, to look stern. “Uppa, believe me, I have my own way to deal with this.”


Frustrated with my denial, Onew uppa got up angrily and trudged out of the living room into the kitchen. We listened as he banged and cursed to himself, sending pots and pans off the cabinet, making sure that his anger was heard. It was the first time that Onew uppa ever let his anger overcome him. I flinched as I heard him banging again and again on the kitchen counter, as a string of profanities finally escaped his mouth. Key uppa rose up and held his palms over my ears, trying to block them out from me. He smiled sorrily, silently apologizing of his inability to do anything about the situation, sorry that I had to go through all of this. I blinked back a tear, and smiled in response. The first one. My lips felt sore as I strained myself to curve my lips upwards into a tight smile. It’s so used to a frown now.


Minho uppa got up from his seat and went to the kitchen. “Hyung! Stop this!” I heard them arguing in the kitchen, probably pushing each other, or even hitting, hurting themselves. Great, now they’re even fighting because of me. I’m a monster.


“Uppa, you have to help me,” I looked up to find Key uppa’s tired face, and suddenly felt bad about the whole situation.


“Yeah?” He stared back at me, fighting to put on a strong expression. But he failed. I could see through his façade, I sensed that this was killing him just the way it was doing to me. It was as bad for him as it was for me, suddenly being a refuge, running away from the company, missing schedules, watching his members breaking up little by little. What was I doing to them? What was going to happen to their dreams?


“Uppa, please take me to this place,” I took out a pen and a writing pad, and wrote out the address for him to read. He watched as I messed the page with my messy scribble, my bad Hangeul. Finished, I let him take the pad from my lap and watched his face as he read the address and assessed the small piece of information. “The Notre tower?” He asked, I nodded assumingly. “What for? They’d been out of service for years..”


“Believe me,” I said this sternly. “I’m sure this is where she wants me to find her.”


Key uppa beckoned for a while, reassessing my words. And then, his face lit up questioningly.


“She?”


* * * * * *


GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! --->

truth, be told

ive never really told anyone about my fear to creepy-crawlies, but i guess this kind of thing doesnt need any tell-off. it just kinda surfaces out of a sudden.

so i here i am, dreading the days that passed when i had not enough guts to get in my own bathroom and take a shower. no, dont get me wrong. it's not the water that i feared. but it's the thing that lurks in the shower that sends a shiver down my spine, and me running in hysterics out of the house, down the road.....

i hate spiders. from the smallest, teeny-tiniest ones,, to those gigantic tarantulas. it was a comfort to me back then when they announced in national geografic that these giant tarantulas only exists in the europe-african region, and nowhere in asia. yeah,,, right. wait until i call their business off by telling the whole world that for the first time, their beloved national geologists are WRONG. wrong!!!! coz somehow, i happened to discover one big, hairy spider that was the size of my pinky when i was rummaging through my old memorabilias from past high school last saturday. and i tell you what, it's a BIG one.

i tried telling my parents about it, but they simply told me to kill it or just squash it to death with anything that i had in hand at the time. and at that minute i was just typing away on my phone, sending a text to my long-lost bestfriend when the event occured. hmmm, kinda seducing, the fact that if i lose this one phone, i might get another, newer, cooler one. but to think things through again, my sisters didnt get a new one even when they didnt damage theirs on purpose. heh, no way. im not gonna risk spending one sem of college next year being phone-less.

these days id been dreaming about some people, which was WEIRD. id never dreamed of dreaming about these people, so that's what's making dreaming about them weird. WEIRD.

telling my sister was more,, impossible than telling my parents. she was clearly excited when i described the details of the hairy monster- big butt, hairy feet as big as my pinky, and some white lines on its body, i thought that she was going to tell me something valuable, like dont worry, it's not a spider or tarantula of any sort. it's just a small, vulnerable insect that wanted to look for a friend. but no, she didnt turn into a tree-hugger or animal lover as far as i was concerned. instead, she told me with too much excitement in her voice, that i thought she was finally losing it, after 4 sems of medic in intec. she told me that i should maybe tell the whole world about it, maybe it's a new species, and maybe we could get money from selling it to any zoos that would offer the highest pay for the dang spider. all the while as she shot through her brilliant, one-in-a-million scheme, i had nothing good in mind. it's not really hard to figure out where she got that idea from. stf wasnt a small, green school for nothing, ya know. we've had our fair share of near-death experiences with shiny, slithering reptiles and bees (or hornets, im pretty sure they were hornets, but no one believed me) and king-kong principal more than anyone else or any other schools in the country. that made me feel sick in the stomach. am i going to turn out like her someday? thinking about making money on a dang insect? NO WAY!!!

ok, back to that spider. after days of not TAKING A SHOWER IN MY OWN BATHROOM (im putting this capital letters so you wont have any weird ideas before you finish reading the whole sentence), i finally was annoyed enough to ignore my fears. my life was already a miserable mess, and im not gonna let this stupid spider make it any harder for me. so i summed up all the courage and energy i had, along with bad morning breath and charged (or more to slumped) towards the bathroom. it was surprising how really bright it was inside, after days of being left unintended. the floor was as sticky and wet as i left it days ago. armed with a shieldtox in my left hand, i scanned the whole room for that damned creature. it wasnt hard to find. there it was, hiding behind the red pail at the corner. this was starting to sound like an epic nightmare.

to cut the story short, i ran screaming to my mama after several failed attempts of killing the spider with the insecticide.

and so the life of the hairy monster ends, along with my sister's million-dollar dream. sorry, sistar.
3

see ya later, alligator. :>

hey, hey. im not interested in any kinds of cheap sweet-talking, okay. so back off, punk.

it's really surprising to know that some people really cant differentiate between being too friendly and flirting. yucks.

cavegirl.

seriously, this STUPID laptop is getting on my nerves. and this STUPID LAN (that's Local Area Network, or Dial-up Connection) is driving me crazy.

i cant wait till the day im gonna get myself a new laptop, and perhaps, if my parents are kind enough, my very own broadband. which, for sure, im not gonna let anyone else but me use.

what can i do? im too stingy to share. more like a scrooge. yeah, i kinda like that name. scrooge pika. :D

dear people, you can call me a cavegirl now, coz i feel like one. minus the part where i run around hunting for animals for lunch, and my im not that cheap or rich to just hang around in the house wearing animal hyde. other than that, then i would be perfect. you can call up the nearest curator you know now. maybe they're in need of someone brave enough (and with no dignity) to pretend caveman at their museum.

see what i was saying? this is what low-speed internet and STUPID, old laptops are gonna do to you. mind you, im not speaking out of vengeance. it's just MALICE. oh, and add in a little hatred. my mind's not really that innocent than you gave me credit for, you know. i dont usually resort to violence. only when im really, REALLY mad at something or someone. then i wouldnt mind picking up a hammer or take a few swings with the baseball bat i kept somewhere in my room. HAHAHAHAH (evil laugh)

STUPID, old laptop. DANG LAN.

premonitions

u're happy, syafiqah. you are. or maybe that's what i wanted myself to feel.

im worried! for heaven's sake, which person shouldnt be?

291st post

and im quite positive that imma reach the 300th post in just a  few days' time.

since there's not much thing to do at home these days, im not sure if there's really nothing i can do to pass the time than just rabbling on rubbish here.

there's exactly 00000000 thing to do here. the house's in a complete bizarre state. those workers havent finished revamping the house yet, and we're trapped, confined in this small space to move on with out living. honestly, im not really sure whether i prefer being at school or at home. i just hope that all of this is going to be over before school starts, and mom and dad will have to leave for work every morning, and my little sister will be leaving for school and not come back home for who knows how long. my elder sisters are surely not going to come back home until the semester ends, and the thought of ma having to go through another period of being away from home, studying elsewhere sends a shiver down my spine everytime i was stupid enough to think of it.

dear mind, please, stay sane, at least until the day i started my first day in college. then you're free to go freak. i promise.

the first few days at home was.. bearable. until when i started having bad thoughts about leaving school. the bad dreams followed right behind, making me think twice about being excited on finally going to go to college. and then there's the thing they kept saying about me joining the debate club in u,, that seems quite,,, improbable. im not really the type that debate teams are gonna fight for, im just plain me. and i admit, the only reason we won during previous tournaments was because we had syakira. i was like a black hole to the team, frankly speaking. i spoke way too fast for the oppo and judges to understand, and my voice did nothing to show that imma matured, tough debater. i sounded like a plague coming to erase any sense of living in town. if im not exxagerating, then, maybe that's right anyway.

honestly, i MISS DEBATING like hell. but i dont think i can continue with it in u. i dont think i have the capability to do so. i dont think that there's any debate team in their right mind would want to take me in. for heaven's sake, i didnt even qualify as a best speaker in interschool debates, what would happen if they set their team's condition at stake by adding me up to the wagon? it's probably a real bad idea.

so joining the debate society would be out of the list, out of consideration.

and im not really and outdoor-sy type. so any kinds of kelab kembara would sent me shrieking, and going hysterics.

slash out kelab kembara from the list of clubs i might fit in with.

then, that only leaves me with foreign languange, that is, if they have that kind of club. i figured that id had basics in japanese, then maybe i would do just fine. but come to think of it, the only B i ever scored in japanese language was back when i was in f1, and that was the 1st test. we were supposed to score a smoldering A, because it was the easiest test any japanese language sensei could prepare for a dumbass like me. but being a dumbass i am, i failed. then maybe that idea would have to go out the window too.

the conclusion is, im surely gonna screw college the way i screwed high school. everyone's gonna hate me, and the only friend im gonna have are those that are gonna be stuck with me just because they are unlucky enough to be assigned as my roomate. that is, if they still wanted to give me a room to find shelter and safety at. im absolutely positive that my college years are gonna be as bizarre and painful as my days in stf were.

okay, this post has gone waaayyy out of line.

im not nagging, im just... dissapointed.

im dissapointed that my high school days hadnt went the way i wanted it to. they way i dreamed it would be the first day i entered that school, and became a part of it.

it's a good thing that no one's really gonna read this blog. i dont want anyone to have any kind of sympathy towards me. i dont need their sympathy. im fine with this. id been living for 17 years this way.

let's just hope that they're not gonna treat me like an outcast for the first year in college.

please,, let me just be,.. normal.

Brown Eyed Girls - Cleansing Cream


It hurts, it hurts - my closed heart - a lot, a lot

Oh my honey, honey baby - what do I do?



After playing like crazy all day, I erase my thick makeup

Will I forget by being like this?

Looking quite miserable, on top of my half-erased cheeks

On top of the half-erased lipstick,

The fallen tears melt with the cleansing cream



Why, why, why, unni?

All throughout the night, why can't I forget him?

Why, why, why, unni?

With my blackened and smeared tears, I can't forget him

And I stubbornly say, bye, bye



* What do I do, unni? I want to sleep now

But my heart keeps running to him

What to do, unni? I don't think I can go on like this

Please, can you have a drink with me? I ask of you, unni



Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever really loved?

Love - for others it's so easy

But for me, it's like an unerasable tattoo

I empty my glass again



Today, there was a really great guy who asked me out

But I kept seeing him

I stupidly ran out from that place,

I stupidly couldn't do anything

What's the use of pretty makeup?



Why, why, why, unni?

(Why can't I forget this one guy for all this time

Unintentional memories get erased in the far distance

He already forgot about me)

Why, why, why, unni?

With my blackened and smeared tears, I can't forget him

And I stubbornly say, bye, bye

Why, why, why



* repeat



Please party with me

I don't want to erase my makeup yet

I ask of you, unni



It hurts, it hurts - my closed heart - a lot, a lot

Oh my honey, honey baby - what do I do?



It hurts, it hurts - my closed heart - a lot, a lot

Oh my honey, honey baby - what do I do?

:D

tolonglaa, jgn ckp dgn aku. ni kes angau terlampau ni.

i heart medics

frankly, i dont understand what's with those people out there who's got nothing better to do than talk bad about someone behind their back. and the fact that that person even made the effort of setting up a blog just for the honor of making fun of other people and spreading stupid gossips about them, i tell you, that's not only plain idiocy, but also,, a rather kamikaze act.

im not a gossip girl. im not really that type of person who enjoys joining a group chat just to talk about who's with who, and who just broke up with who. id rather open up our rather old lappy and start my own story of fairytales.

i was unlucky enough to come across this kind of people, and thank God, it was not anyone i knew, or close to. in fact, i dont think that this kind of person even has anyone around her to become her friends. call me childish, yeah, maybe im acting that way right now, for even caring to write about her and her bad attitude,but so what? at least im not yelling out my frustration of not being able to become the best of the best by trying take down the best of the best and their leagues, you get what im saying?

i surely hope that this girl's gonna pay for all the she did.

-frustrated-

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 4

<----GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 3

“I don’t know.. do you think she’s going to take it easily?”



“At least we need to try. Hyung, if there’s really no way that we could get through this, I think that it’s time that we call the cops and let them solve it.”


I heard faint whispers close to where I was lying in the bed, dazed and bewildered. Slowly, my eyes adapted with the orange light radiating from the bedside lamp perched right next to me. My mind felt groggy, my muscles ached from the impact of the fall. I squinted my eyes to see where the voices came from.. who they were.


“Minho uppa? Onew uppa? What are you guys discussing about?” I managed to scoff coarsely, clearing my throat as I did so. They turned at me, bewildered and surprised that id just woken up from my deep slumber. I got up, a bit too fast, that I could feel the blood shooting right up my head, making me dizzier than I already was. I could see the expressions they had etched on their faces- it was a mixture of panic, confusion, jumbled with a sense of insecurity. Id never seen any one of them that way, not until now.


Minho uppa was the first one to get up and sat next to me, Onew uppa came later, with that same worried expression on his face. He was practically twitching from where he was standing, unable to get whatever it was in his head straight. Minho uppa took my hand and looked into my eyes deeply, offering the feel of calamity and strength id been deprived of for the past 24 hours of emptiness. He smiled a crooked smile which obviously didn’t reach his eyes. I could see that he was as confused as I was.






“Nothing.. Soo Jin-ah, are you feeling better? We were worried about you, you were lying unconscious on the kitchen floor when Key found you. We wanted to get you to the hospital, but Onew hyung insisted that you wouldn’t like that.. and,”


“She’s afraid of blood.. and needles. They make her feel faint.”


Onew uppa interjected before Minho uppa could finish his words. Immediately, my eyes shot right at him, surprised that he still remembered those petty matters about me. Our eyes met for an instant, before I turned away, trying hard to forget about what he mustve had in his mind at the time. Minho uppa could sense that there was something that was occurring between us, but knew better not to say anything instead. He licked his lips, as if contemplating with himself, deciding whether or not to spill the beans on me. He turned from Onew uppa to me, and back to him again, searching for an answer, asking for a sign that it was okay to speak up.


Sensing that something was amiss, I turned to both of them and asked, almost too eagerly, “What?! What is it that you two are trying to keep away from me?”


They both looked away from me. This only added up to my frustration. The tension was building up inside me, waiting just a few moments for me to burst. I tried inhaling and exhaling to keep me from blowing my hat off, but it did not work. The silence only made me even angrier.


Finally, Onew uppa broke the silence. He stepped up next to me and cleared his throat, as if it was gagging him.


“That guy.. He sent a package this morning.”


“Guy? You mean, the person who took Taemin uppa?”


Onew uppa nodded and took out a black box from behind him. A tape.


“What’s its say?” I took the tape, carefully examining its edges, looking for a hidden note, or even an address which might help to find the supposed criminal. But there was none. It was empty, except for the words written in bold, capital letters at the front of the cover- STAYING ALIVE.


“Uppa.. when did it came?” I asked, worried that my blackout was a bit too long that it might had been a disturbance in their plan of the day.


“Just now, we haven’t even seen it yet,” Minho uppa answered. Suddenly he took the tape away from my hands, keeping me at a safe distance from it. “I don’t think we should look at it now, Soo Jin-ah. You’re still not fine.. Maybe we’ll just send this thing straight away to the cops and let them get this guy on their own,” He was trying hard to console me, even when he knew that it was going to fail. This was a dead end. When I made up my mind, there was no way that they’re going to change my stand. I shot him a murderous glare, feeling a little guilty as I did so. I understood their intention.. of trying to keep me away from danger, and also finding a way to get Taemin uppa as safely home as possible. But it was impossible to do just that. I knew Victoria, even better than the rest of the SME people knew her. She’s a monster. And if it was a game that she wanted, then she would always make sure that everything’s going to turn out her way.


“Uppa!” I bellowed, suddenly losing my sense. “There’s no time for the cops! You know what’s going to happen if we send this tape to them! They’re not going to solve anything! You know what they wanted!”


“Soo Jin-ah..” Onew uppa stepped in between me and Minho uppa, trying to take control of the situation. He took away the tape from Minho uppa and held it in a tight grip in his hands. “We’ll see what we can do. Minho, let’s go.”






There must have been something really wrong. If they really hadn’t seen the tape, then what was it that they were really trying to keep away from me? And why were they so eager on keeping me away from watching the tape?


Minho uppa got up from where he was sitting and followed Onew uppa to the door, trying to make a run from me. Oh, no, they’re not going anywhere with that tape. Not before I know what they were hiding from me.


“No, you’re not going anywhere.”


* * * *

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 5--->

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 3

GIVE ME BACK MY HUSBAND!!! Part 2




I truged down the stairs to the kitchen slowly and steadily, trying as hard as I might to keep myself from toppling over. My mind felt groggy. My legs felt like jelly. And I wasn’t in the mood to do anything at all for the rest of the day. It was at times like this that I needed taemin uppa the most. I was never really good in making plans for the day, especially when the only thing I would be busy with was when yoo rin called suddenly and say that she’s coming to pay us a visit. Taemin uppa would be out most of the day, but he never failed to turn up for lunch and dinner at home. Never failed to, but today, and who knows how many days afterwards, he’s going to do just that.


The windows were left open, I noticed, which made me cringe when I saw it left ajar. It could’ve been anyone- maybe one of the uppas, yoo rin, or myself. In situations like this the smallest things could be left unnoticed and unintended. If Taemin uppa was here, he would make a fuss about the small things that I thought would never matter- leaving the doors unlocked, the grills opened, or even the stove still in fire. He was like that, always worrying over things that didn’t look important to me. Now that he’s gone.. Oh my God, that didn’t feel right.


The sky was a gleaming blue, the kind of colour I loved to see on Taemin uppa.


This was not right, I thought to myself, I wondered, how I would get through all of this, without Taemin uppa around. Just everything that I see, would make me remember all the things about him. A surge of panic ran in my veins. I could feel the burning sensation in my chest, my tears welled up in tears. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wanted to be strong, but I knew better that I couldn’t. it’d just been one day that Taemin uppa’s gone, but look at me. I’m an empty space. A black hole.


Weak, I reached for support at the edge of the kitchen counter. I drew deep, big breaths, trying to keep the pressure low, or else, I might give in right then and there. The blood pulsed or rather raced through my veins uncontrollably. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block the blinding rays of the sun that managed to escape through the crack of the window.


“Soo Jin-ah! Hahaha, you bonehead! Can’t catch me, can you?”


That voice. That windchime, that melody that I would easily recognize anywhere. I jolted in surprise, my eyes searching the whole room for the source of the harmony.


There he was, gleaming in the sunlight. His hair was tousled, they hung just above his neck in a puff of dark brown and black. He was standing right before me, with his eyes glistening like stars, or maybe it was just me. Taemin uppa smiled his mischievous smile which reached his eyes, the sign that he was enjoying what he was doing. In his left hand was a small pink bag which he held high up in the air, keeping it away from something else..


I wanted to scream, I wanted to run straight into his arms and cry in his arms. My heartbeat quickened, excited with this sudden chain of event. Was this true? Am I really not dreaming?


“Uppa! Stop playing games, will you?!”


The sound of footsteps echoed in my head, as I got nearer and nearer to where we were sharing this small, unintended reunion in the kitchen. That voice.. I knew her.


“Hahah!! Catch me if you can!” Taemin uppa turned abruptly to her, running away childishly from her extended hands, reaching for the small pink package he was holding tightly in his hands. They looked close, chasing each other, ignorant of my presence along with them in the kitchen.


“Taemin uppa!” She screamed. Taemin laughed, only enjoying the game he was absorbed in himself.


I couldn’t stand this anymore.


“STOP! PLEASE, STOP ALL OF THIS!!”






And just like that, the vision that played before me faded in a blur. It was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. The picture of my past, the times I had with Taemin uppa. I could feel the coldness suddenly biting my skin, freezing me from within. I could see a gaping hole swallowing me into its swirly blackness, welcoming me into a deep, untouched world of sorrow. I forfeited myself for so long, I couldn’t stand this any longer. I didn’t stop the black hands from pulling me into its embrace, it extended and folded me in a haze.






My vision blurred. My whole world dissolved.




The smell of salt loomed in the atmosphere, hanging in the air faintly. I turned my face away from the blinding sunlight and covered my face with my hands as the heat was becoming too hot to bear. it was already passing 9 in the morning, but no one else in the house was up yet, including yoo rin. I didn’t know what made me woke so early in the morning- it was never like this before. Maybe it was the pressure rambling things up inside me. I don’t know.