soalan

mcm mne nk jdk baik?
klu pki tudung tp still liat nk tunaikan 24434 tuh, dh kire baik ker?
klu mls nk lyn lelaki2 gatal, n jaga social life, dh kire baik ker?
klu bataskan pergaulan cume dgn girls, n langsung xkn bg muke or compromise dengan da opposite gender, dh kire baik ker?
klu selalu mtk org maafkan kesalahan sebesar-besar alam tp x pernah ikhlas nak forgive n forget kesalahan org yg kly tgk pki light microscope tuh pon x nmpk, dh kire baik ker?
klu biarkan diri hilang kwn sbb 'she's taken a different road and i dont even know her anymore' dh kire baik ker?
mmg ssh. klu stkt 'baik' dr aspek x smpi hati bk sktkan ati org tua especially parents and teachers, cikgu, itu bukan baik namanya. itu sopan.
beza. sangat.
sopan-sunat. baik& alim- wajib.
lebih kurang camtu kott.
entah.
so mmg quite impossible nk dptkan jawapan.
tukar soalan.

mcm mne nk jadik alim?
klu buat & tunaikan semua perkara2 wajib & sunat, tp still ada hati pada orang, alim ke tu?
salah ke kalau ada rasa tu? naik kering brain juice ak asyik kene perah jerk. perah otak.

klu tgk blk, aku classifykan diri sendiri dlm stok bdk2 baik. yg x ske wt slh. hormat cikgu. wt homework, sedih klu tgk org kena dera, belasah, benci violence. percaya 100% pd karma- pegangan what you give you get back. and kawan2 aku pon mmg sme cmtu gk. klu bukan, ak mmg x kn bg muke.

tp sbb pegangan tu ler yang wtkan ak x ckp baik lg. sbb perasan diri bagos sgt, walaupun x sedar & x intend pon. tu dh kire pdg rendah pada org lain. riak! takbur!

kenapa aku hilang kawan? klu tgk setakat sekali imbas cm main flash cards tuh, mmg senang2 je mulut nk ckp- 'slh diorang, bkn aku'. tp kn, bile dh muhasabah dri, ada pulak suara dlm ati kte- 'kau pown sme jerk. lg terok kott'.
betul ker?

aku yg susah hati setiap kli fight dgn org. ak yg x lalu makan kalau tau aku dibenci. aku yg plg senang nk nangis tanpa segan silu ble sdar hakikat- im losing someone important. and there's nothing i can do about it. full stop.

n die kate-'you're the best friend, not me'.
apa maksud tuh? blame herself and pity me? to be betrayed?
again wif the betrayal thing. right.

hmm.
maybe it wasnt really a betrayal. maybe it was just me, yg mrh sbb die wt sthg yg aku x pernah anggap die yg dulu akan wt pd aku, n the fact that it involves someone else in the triangle, kinda hurts. real bad. big time.
aku xtau what drove her to do that. utk backup org yg dh clearly bersalah in the matter, and halang aku drpd jlnkn tanggungjawab? itu kawan?
keliru, weyh. confused. irritated. angry.

maybe aku yg overdose dgn dissapointment kott. that sadness yg aku rse dulu dgn die yg lg satu ponn still bersisa lg. aku still tgh bertatih. bandage ponn still bsh dgn iodine lg. luka ponn x kering, still open and prone to breakouts.

tambah dgn kesni, alamatnya boleh mati aku. bleed to death. a reason good enough to put in the death certificate.

tp tu ak x yh pikir. ibu & ayah will take over that role, sooner or later. bile2 mse jerla Allah nk claim balik apa yang DIA dh pinjamkan pd ak. apa yg clearly ak dh waste selama ni. bile dh nk smpi mse, br menyesal.

call me a psycho, but i still believe in signs. either directly or indirectly. and that mimpi, i take as an idirect sign, a code, yg aku figure out meaningnye sendiri.

"takutnye. tahun depan dh nk spm dh.."
tu ak yg ckp. mse dlm mimpi tuh. i was sitting somewhere i wasnt familiar with, looking all those happy faces waktu org lain ngan amik slip result keputusan pmr.
die gelak. that guy, yg still aku x leyh nk cm mukenyer. but he's kinda familiar.

"xyah takutlh. kau x kn sempat ponn".
and senyum die after tuh penuh makna.

sebab tulah since that night that i got that sign, aku dh start takot. and lame2, aku mmg dh kompem dat der's no future for me, not after i turn 17 and all.

syirik? khurafat? entahlah.

balik smule pd cerita awl2 td. so, do i have the right to be mad? sbgi sorang prefect? sbb die dh cm mencabar responsibility aku. sbgi sorg kawan? sbb die dh betray that trust yg once aku pernah bg pd die?
and patut ker?
kirenye soalan tuh mmg ssh lh nk dpt jawapan.

to be honest, aku mmg dh penat sgt. bengkak mte sbb menangis smlm pon x reda lg. kesian bdk yg aku cut line shower tuh. and kesian kerajaan sebab aku membazir biarkan air tuh jln jer, sbb ak xnk org dgr esk tangis aky yg mcm mak hilang anak tuh. kenapa aku nangis? simple. sbb ak rse aku dh hilang smeone. 'hilang' tuh bkn sbb stkt gaduh jerk. 'hilang' tuh, sbb die dh mati. pada aku.

skrg mmg ssh ak nk dok kt sblh die w/o rse benci. sbb ape? aku benci pd dat monster yg dok sblh aku, yg dh telan kwn aku hidop2. yg dh lenyapkan die trus. yg dh wtkan aku hilang someone so great to me. it hurts so much, you know? bile aku bandingkan die yg dulu dgn die yg skrg. skt sgt hati ni. bkn sbb dat benci, but because aku rase another friend of mine dh nk tinggalkan aku.

aku tau die byk kutuk aku. or in some ways, gelakkan aku dengan geng2 baru die. ckp aku kodi, gelakkan aku sbb aku pki tudung labuh. pdg rendah pd aku sbb ak klu pki sports attire, x ske tuck in. biar nmpk kodi, but dat's my choice.pilihan aku. ak x ske nk tunjukkan ape yg ak x ptt tunjuk pd org yg x sptuttnya. honestly, mmg aku x pernah nk gelakkan die n talk about anything mean about her behind her back. ada pon dpn die jerk, and that was because it was something both of us used to do. main2. but not now. not anymore. aku tau dat day bila aku nmpk die pndg ak n bisik2 ngan kwn2 die, after tu gelak2 bgi dunie nk runtuh, yg die sbnrnye ngah gelakkan aku. it hurts, daten. it hurts so much.

sejahat-jahat aku pon ak x pernah nk kritik style kwn ak sdri. sbb aku tau dat's what she choose to be. and seingat aku aku x pernah nk mrh die selempang sbb aku tau tu mmg style die. and aku kene wt2 cm x kecik hati bile die sggp defend geng die tnpa pikir psl responsibilty aku. sanggup tipu aku walaupun dh tau it's too late. at that time, mmg ak x sgke daten akan betray dat much. x sangke.

bile aku ingat balik, she was the one yg x jenuh pujuk aku waktu aku kene rejek dengan JSL dulu. rejection tuh... sakit. rase mcm kene sesah dgn pisau rambo pelbagai saiz. mcm kene pijak2 je muke ni. mmg skit.

especially bg someone yg ego tinggi mengalahkan lelaki. mcm aku ni.

die yg tarik aku pergi toilet, pulled me up waktu aku terduduk kt tangga on the way tuh. tunggu aku calm down, and teman aku dok kt 4S sbb aku bacul sangat. malu nk face classmate sbb rse maruah kene clr. pdhl org lain dont even give a damn. teruk sungguh.

and bandingkan die yg selalu jdk teman gelak aku. yg selalu saing gi kantin, yg tunggu kt luar lab each time after habis kelas bio, phys, chem, yg selalu teman aku gi toilet, yg selalu lh jgk terpaksa bersabar dgn bau kentut aku yg senyap2 je terlepas waktu kt kelas, yg selalu sibuk2 lukis2 kt kertas conteng aku, yg paling rajin melayan angan2 aku dengan taemin tuh, yg x pernah marah aku balik klu aku marah die, yg sabar je dengan kerenah aku walaupun aku tau kadang2 i wasnt being nice to her.

sbb tu ker? die dh x thn dengan perangai aku smpi die crk geng lain. maybe.

antara die dulu dengan die sekarang, mmg beza.
complete opposite.

maybe now it's her turn. org kate 16 tuh turning point of life. maybe die dh decide jalan mane nk ambik. and if im really her friend, i should let her move on.

betul aku ikhlas?
ikhlas tuh lain citer. yg penting, biarkan die jdk apa yg die nk. let her free.

so, conclusion?

patut ke tak, i mean, aku biarkan die, n terus give her the cold shoulder? or buat biasa jerk, without da hentak2 barang, jeling2, buat2 mke, everytime aku terserempak ngan die?

i choose the latter, for now. maybe. sbb aku rase dh mcm mne kehilangan tuh. kosong. cm kentang kene tebuk ngan cork borrer. cm jigsaw pizzle yg hilang one piece. rse cm bangang jerk. alone. frustrated. dissapointed.

ive already lost one hell of a valuable, priceless, likely blood-related friend. yg kamceng thp karma. teman ke hulu-hilir. and i dont want to lose one more.

ya Allah,
sakit sangat.

what we used to be