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in this life im living, i wish the only person i cud hurt is myself. no one else. let me be the only person who's hurt because of my own doings, i dont want to live with the regret for the mistakes that i'll never be able to rectify again.

i hate living like this. i hate being here, in this house feeling nothing but dissapointment. i hate the fact that i wud have to deal with all kind of problems eventhough id been at the place that i used to consider as my sanctuary. where i cud seek refuge in. but no more. because there seems to be a new kind of problem here.

i wanted to run. to hide. to get myself away as far as possible from those people that brings the problems in my life. honestly it wudnt hurt this much if it's those that i hate, but it's the people that i love in this case. so im torn between hating them and putting all the blame on them or just stay quiet and let it pass. but im not one who cud just let things pass like that. it'll leave a pretty big mark in my life, and it'll haunt me since then. especially when it's something that i dread.

i know you must think that im blabbering right now, but i have to do this. because im depressed. im hurting to the point that i think my heart must be physically wounded from all the pressure. i sound like a maniac, but i dont care.

i just wish things cud be better. but it didnt turn out that way. all i ever wanted was to lead a peaceful life with the people that i love. but it seems that im losing them one by one, and the one that stays didnt love me back the way they did a few years back. it's hurting me. killing me, somehow.

u dont know how it feels like, because you dont know what's the real problem is. i know, and i decide to keep this all on my own. i dont need people prying me, breathing on my neck all the time. i need space. and when the time comes, i'll talk to someone about it. i promise. when the right time comes.

why cant she respect them? when it happened that morning, i couldnt stand it anymore. i cried because i hated that sittuation. i hated that screamings and fighting. i hate being at the scene and her hurting my parents. dad didnt say anything but just smiled, but i know that his heart's aching. these were the times that i decided that i hate her. even when she's my own sister. because when she's like that, she didnt seem like one. because she's hurting my parents. the two person that i love more than anything else in this world. if she really is, then she wouldnt have the heart to say anything she said and do anything she did that day. i hate her. i hate her to the point that i dont want to talk to her for the rest of my life. i cant wait till the day that i get my own salary and i'll bring my parents away as far away as possible from her. to where she cudnt reach them. so that she'll never hurt them again.

i love my family, especially my parents. that's why i dont want to do things that i know i'll regret later. i dont want to scream at my dad and cause my mom to have reason to hit me. i dont be rude to the two person that raised me up, and were willing to take me in when the whole world locked me out. i will never forget the love that my parents show to me, and that;s why i dont want to let them go. right now, i cnt fight the urge to cry because i cudnt imagine how really my mom and dad were. to have their own daughter to do such things to them. i feel like shutting her up or even killing her at them. i wud do anything, just to stop her from doing those kind of things to my parents again.

ya Allah...
help me. i need help