dont worry, im not turning gaga-ish or something, trying to don weird outfits and make smoky styles yadda yadda. im getting nowhere close to that, since i have no sense of fashion at all, and my style's gonna put even gaga to shame. im not about to talk about how im born to wild bluegh. what im trying to say here is
I DONT WANNA BE AN ENGINEER LET ALONE TAKE ENGINEERING AS MY MAJOR!!!
huh. let that one out pretty loudly. not verbally. but still, loudly.
early this morning, when we were on the way to the pesta tanjung balau at well, as if it wasnt obvious THAT obvious yet, tanjung balau, my dad i and i had a little 'chat' about the usual thing. at this point if u're an ardent admirer of my bablings, you wouldve guessed what the topic's about. yeah, spm. again and again. i thought that he wanted to leave it to just that, but then again he didnt. then he started saying about how i should just take engineering as my course later in u and i shouldnt take medics because kak ngah's already doing that.
honestly, i felt like crying then and there.
why is my family putting too low expectations on me? why couldnt they just accept me the way i am and just respect what i feel? when i say that im prone to medics, that means im really sure of taking that as my major and become a doctor when i grow up. engineering is like the most impossible thing i could imagine myself taking. first it was my mother claiming that im not fit of becoming a doctor just because i have a problem that's most probably gonna refrain me from my life-long dream. im haemophobic. that means im phobic to blood. i have an intense fear and sometimes it leads to fainting when i see blood. my parents started to realize my problem when i was involved in an accident when i was on a school camp at the endau-rompin. we were jungle-treeking, and i suddenly fainted because i saw blood on my shirt. i was as white as a sheet and i blacked out for a few minutes. for goodness's sake i wasnt even aware that i fainted. i thought that i was just crouching down on the bare earth and taking some deep breath. the next thing i knew my hair was bare, someone took off my headscarf, sensei's at my side, shaking me awake and there was a huge crowd around me. i fainted and people thought that if they didnt manage to wake me up, i might die right then and there. i looked like a corpse. my lips were WHITE. not even a single trace of blood. the same thing goes for my face, cheeks. for someone who has tanned skin like me, looking white is almost impossible. but when you turn out looking like that, there's a need for people to call a doctor.
that's when i realized that i have a big boulder blocking me from making my dream come true. my intene fear of blood may be the cause of my death someday, if dont get this problem settled. if i were to be a doctor, would have to brave that problem, embrace it like a friend.
i dont have any problems to settle that, but then again, here comes my parents. my mom thinks im better off becoming an english teacher or a lecturer, and my dad said that i should take engineering, something im totally against. i couldnt even score an a for physics. how can he expect me to become and engineer? in fact, i hate architecture. my heart's totally into meds. and what's this about my sister already on the way of becoming a doctor so i shouldnt be one? is there any unwritten rules in our family that says that one shouldnt copy the other's footsteps?
i want more that anything else for my parents to open their eyes someday and realize how this is hurting me and my pride. i need to do the things that i want to do. yes, i can take major in english or even goddamn engineering if my parents insist me to, but i would be blaming myself my whole life for making that decision. because even if i excel in that field, im still not doing something i wanted to. there's no point doing something you're rejecting. it's like buying a vanilla ice-cream when you really wanted chocolate. get what i mean?
i dont know how else to prove to them that im capable of chasing my own dreams. i mainted good grades in biology, always scoring a- and never a b. i worked really hard on my first exam because i was afraid that if i flunked biology then, my mom would stick with her plan of enrolling me to major in english in u. i got an a, which was a bit dissapointing, because i was expecting an a+. but that was still acceptable to prove to them that i can take meds. but they didnt seem to realize that. i dont understand when they see that i suck in physics so bad, why would they want me to become and engineer?
it feels bad talking about this. it feels bad talking about this BEHIND my parents' back. but im afraid that if i say this out loud and tell them that I WANT TO BECOME A PADEATRIC and nothing else, they would think that im making the biggest mistake my entire life.
ive become devoted to save people's life. the reason i tried hard to stay as teacher's pet all the time was because i wanted to make sure that i would excell in my exams without any complications. ive tried reading through the encyclopaedia of diseases my father gave me for my 9th birthday, to have a gist about what being a doctor feels like. you can see that im serious at this. i may seem a little playful at times, but im doing that because i dont want to be left out of the limelight. i dont have the looks like my sisters, i dont have to brain lie my sisters, so what else do i have to make sure that i'll be noticed? only my playful acts. even when all people call me an idiot or a psycho because im always smiling and playful,
this is getting a bit long. maybe i should say bye.
I DONT WANNA BE AN ENGINEER LET ALONE TAKE ENGINEERING AS MY MAJOR!!!
huh. let that one out pretty loudly. not verbally. but still, loudly.
early this morning, when we were on the way to the pesta tanjung balau at well, as if it wasnt obvious THAT obvious yet, tanjung balau, my dad i and i had a little 'chat' about the usual thing. at this point if u're an ardent admirer of my bablings, you wouldve guessed what the topic's about. yeah, spm. again and again. i thought that he wanted to leave it to just that, but then again he didnt. then he started saying about how i should just take engineering as my course later in u and i shouldnt take medics because kak ngah's already doing that.
honestly, i felt like crying then and there.
why is my family putting too low expectations on me? why couldnt they just accept me the way i am and just respect what i feel? when i say that im prone to medics, that means im really sure of taking that as my major and become a doctor when i grow up. engineering is like the most impossible thing i could imagine myself taking. first it was my mother claiming that im not fit of becoming a doctor just because i have a problem that's most probably gonna refrain me from my life-long dream. im haemophobic. that means im phobic to blood. i have an intense fear and sometimes it leads to fainting when i see blood. my parents started to realize my problem when i was involved in an accident when i was on a school camp at the endau-rompin. we were jungle-treeking, and i suddenly fainted because i saw blood on my shirt. i was as white as a sheet and i blacked out for a few minutes. for goodness's sake i wasnt even aware that i fainted. i thought that i was just crouching down on the bare earth and taking some deep breath. the next thing i knew my hair was bare, someone took off my headscarf, sensei's at my side, shaking me awake and there was a huge crowd around me. i fainted and people thought that if they didnt manage to wake me up, i might die right then and there. i looked like a corpse. my lips were WHITE. not even a single trace of blood. the same thing goes for my face, cheeks. for someone who has tanned skin like me, looking white is almost impossible. but when you turn out looking like that, there's a need for people to call a doctor.
that's when i realized that i have a big boulder blocking me from making my dream come true. my intene fear of blood may be the cause of my death someday, if dont get this problem settled. if i were to be a doctor, would have to brave that problem, embrace it like a friend.
i dont have any problems to settle that, but then again, here comes my parents. my mom thinks im better off becoming an english teacher or a lecturer, and my dad said that i should take engineering, something im totally against. i couldnt even score an a for physics. how can he expect me to become and engineer? in fact, i hate architecture. my heart's totally into meds. and what's this about my sister already on the way of becoming a doctor so i shouldnt be one? is there any unwritten rules in our family that says that one shouldnt copy the other's footsteps?
i want more that anything else for my parents to open their eyes someday and realize how this is hurting me and my pride. i need to do the things that i want to do. yes, i can take major in english or even goddamn engineering if my parents insist me to, but i would be blaming myself my whole life for making that decision. because even if i excel in that field, im still not doing something i wanted to. there's no point doing something you're rejecting. it's like buying a vanilla ice-cream when you really wanted chocolate. get what i mean?
i dont know how else to prove to them that im capable of chasing my own dreams. i mainted good grades in biology, always scoring a- and never a b. i worked really hard on my first exam because i was afraid that if i flunked biology then, my mom would stick with her plan of enrolling me to major in english in u. i got an a, which was a bit dissapointing, because i was expecting an a+. but that was still acceptable to prove to them that i can take meds. but they didnt seem to realize that. i dont understand when they see that i suck in physics so bad, why would they want me to become and engineer?
it feels bad talking about this. it feels bad talking about this BEHIND my parents' back. but im afraid that if i say this out loud and tell them that I WANT TO BECOME A PADEATRIC and nothing else, they would think that im making the biggest mistake my entire life.
ive become devoted to save people's life. the reason i tried hard to stay as teacher's pet all the time was because i wanted to make sure that i would excell in my exams without any complications. ive tried reading through the encyclopaedia of diseases my father gave me for my 9th birthday, to have a gist about what being a doctor feels like. you can see that im serious at this. i may seem a little playful at times, but im doing that because i dont want to be left out of the limelight. i dont have the looks like my sisters, i dont have to brain lie my sisters, so what else do i have to make sure that i'll be noticed? only my playful acts. even when all people call me an idiot or a psycho because im always smiling and playful,
this is getting a bit long. maybe i should say bye.
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