born this way

dont worry, im not turning gaga-ish or something, trying to don weird outfits and make smoky styles yadda yadda. im getting nowhere close to that, since i have no sense of fashion at all, and my style's gonna put even gaga to shame. im not about to talk about how im born to wild bluegh. what im trying to say here is


I DONT WANNA BE AN ENGINEER LET ALONE TAKE ENGINEERING AS MY MAJOR!!!


huh. let that one out pretty loudly. not verbally. but still, loudly.


early this morning, when we were on the way to the pesta tanjung balau at well, as if it wasnt obvious THAT obvious yet, tanjung balau, my dad i and i had a little 'chat' about the usual thing. at this point if u're an ardent admirer of my bablings, you wouldve guessed what the topic's about. yeah, spm. again and again. i thought that he wanted to leave it to just that, but then again he didnt. then he started saying about how i should just take engineering as my course later in u and i shouldnt take medics because kak ngah's already doing that.


honestly, i felt like crying then and there.


why is my family putting too low expectations on me? why couldnt they just accept me the way i am and just respect what i feel? when i say that im prone to medics, that means im really sure of taking that as my major and become a doctor when i grow up. engineering is like the most impossible thing i could imagine myself taking. first it was my mother claiming that im not fit of becoming a doctor just because i have a problem that's most probably gonna refrain me from my life-long dream. im haemophobic. that means im phobic to blood. i have an intense fear and sometimes it leads to fainting when i see blood. my parents started to realize my problem when i was involved in an accident when i was on a school camp at the endau-rompin. we were jungle-treeking, and i suddenly fainted because i saw blood on my shirt. i was as white as a sheet and i blacked out for a few minutes. for goodness's sake i wasnt even aware that i fainted. i thought that i was just crouching down on the bare earth and taking some deep breath. the next thing i knew my hair was bare, someone took off my headscarf, sensei's at my side, shaking me awake and there was a huge crowd around me. i fainted and people thought that if they didnt manage to wake me up, i might die right then and there. i looked like a corpse. my lips were WHITE. not even a single trace of blood. the same thing goes for my face, cheeks. for someone who has tanned skin like me, looking white is almost impossible. but when you turn out looking like that, there's a need for people to call a doctor.


that's when i realized that i have a big boulder blocking me from making my dream come true. my intene fear of blood may be the cause of my death someday, if dont get this problem settled. if i were to be a doctor,  would have to brave that problem, embrace it like a friend.


i dont have any problems to settle that, but then again, here comes my parents. my mom thinks im better off becoming an english teacher or a lecturer, and my dad said that i should take engineering, something im totally against. i couldnt even score an a for physics. how can he expect me to become and engineer? in fact, i hate architecture. my heart's totally into meds. and what's this about my sister already on the way of becoming a doctor so i shouldnt be one? is there any unwritten rules in our family that says that one shouldnt copy the other's footsteps?


i want more that anything else for my parents to open their eyes someday and realize how this is hurting me and my pride. i need to do the things that i want to do. yes, i can take major in english or even goddamn engineering if my parents insist me to, but i would be blaming myself my whole life for making that decision. because even if i excel in that field, im still not doing something i wanted to. there's no point doing something you're rejecting. it's like buying a vanilla ice-cream when you really wanted chocolate. get what i mean?


i dont know how else to prove to them that im capable of chasing my own dreams. i mainted good grades in biology, always scoring a- and never a b. i worked really hard on my first exam because i was afraid that if i flunked biology then, my mom would stick with her plan of enrolling me to major in english in u. i got an a, which was a bit dissapointing, because i was expecting an a+. but that was still acceptable to prove to them that i can take meds. but they didnt seem to realize that. i dont understand when they see that i suck in physics so bad, why would they want me to become and engineer?


it feels bad talking about this. it feels bad talking about this BEHIND my parents' back. but im afraid that if i say this out loud and tell them that I WANT TO BECOME A PADEATRIC and nothing else, they would think that im making the biggest mistake my entire life.


ive become devoted to save people's life. the reason i tried hard to stay as teacher's pet all the time was because i wanted to make sure that i would excell in my exams without any complications. ive tried reading through the encyclopaedia of diseases my father gave me for my 9th birthday, to have a gist about what being a doctor feels like. you can see that im serious at this. i may seem a little playful at times, but im doing that because i dont want to be left out of the limelight. i dont have the looks like my sisters, i dont have to brain lie my sisters, so what else do i have to make sure that i'll be noticed? only my playful acts. even when all people call me an idiot or a psycho because im always smiling and playful,


this is getting a bit long. maybe i should say bye.

new beginning

have you ever felt anytime for you whole life, that feeling of being so new to something, and finally being able to look at things from a different angle? when you realized that you've finally found something or someone you cannot survive without, and you know that you have to be with them so that you can smile? well, i have. and that wonderful person, or may i call people, are syafiqah syakira and adleina superb. none other than my beloved teammates. the past few weeks had given me a new hope for the debate team, and yeah, myself. despite making the worst performance my whole life during the district finals, we won. i dont know how, but still, we won. it seems that we were great after all. all this time it was just me putting too many restrictions and limitations to myself, thinking that nothing's gonna turn out right for the team if im there. but i proved myself wrong. im living proof that dreams do come true. and im still trying to catch some more.

we won the district finals. yes, WE WON THE DISTRICT FINALS. something that some people may say expectable, but i dont care. they say it wont be fair if they let us enter, and for that reason we've been banned from the championship for 8 years. 8 years was a long time when it comes to making a legacy. 8 years in silence doesnt mean we've stopped fighting. 8 years mean we're gonna kick everybody else out of our ways. and we finally did it.

honestly, i was dissapointed with myself the moment i said my thanks to the audience for their attention during my speech. i was again, too fast, almost like blabbering to myself and i could see that. its clear, because i could see the head judge frowning throughout my whole speeck. i was so worried that people wont hear my voice that i stood too close to the mic and that made my voice echo inside the whole hall. what's worse, my face's projected on a big screen at the sides of the hall. hopefully no one noticed how really terrible i looked compared to the other two of my teammates. i felt like i wanted to hide under the table and never get out. i fumbled, and none of my points caught the people's attention. i dont if it was the nerves or something, but i rejected the pois given. partly it was because i expect to receive more in my scnd argument, but then they just sat there quietly, probably making faces to the 'superfast second speaker'. if you're wondering who's that, behold. she's syafiqah. me.

i was laughed at, and maybe jeered at, i dont know. i lost confidence and felt like crying. my reply speech was nothing close to perfect, but it was better because i managed to go slow. i knew syakira was dissapointed with me, and that just made me feel worse. even my captain's losing hope on me. my miracle worker's having doubts on me, who else do i have to turn to?

it was hard getting out of the hall to have brunce after the debate. it felt like everyone's pointing at me and silently making jokes about me. i didnt stand out among the three partly because i was the black sheep, and i was relying on the fact that i could speak fluently so i wouldnt be missed out of the limelight. but it seemed that i was losing that too little by little. i could picture my place being replaced by someone else. i could sense that awkwardness when i stand next to my teammates, how they were losing hope just like me. we didnt say anything anymore about the debate the whole brunch, because we were afraid that we would say the wrong things to each other and anyone of us would be hurt. most probably me, of course. syakira coaxed me to eat something, but i didnt have the appetite anymore. who would?

the idea of losing was so big in my head that i didnt want to stay there just to look at the other team winning. i was sure as heck that we wouldnt win. i sat as far as possible from syakira because i didnt want to look at her face and see how really dissapointed she was of me.

but then i realized, no i dont want to do this to her. i was not the only one worrying. i had no rights to isolate her just because of one small thing i did. so i stood up and yeah, sat next to her the whole time, up to the announcement of the winning teams and the best speaker.

sure enough, she got the best speaker. im happy for her then, and still happy for her now. proud of her, even. but sometimes i just cant wait till i can get that tittle for myself.

and when the mr speaker was about to announce the winning team, i expected the worst. i tried hard to make sure that i wouldnt cry, and i even made up sentences in my head to answer my friends' questions about the championship when we get back to school, lost. i gripped syakira's hand tight and kept my head low, so low that i neck hurt. and then the moment came.

the only thing i heard was "SEKOLAH TUN FATIMAH!"

and i shot right up along with syakira, saying 'oh my god! oh my god!' so loud that maybe the whole hall could hear my scream of relief. we embraced each other, hugging so tight and i buried my face into her shoulder. i felt like crying. this was it. we made it. WE WON. i kept patting her and tried to sink the reality in. we've just won districts. WE WON, i told myself time and time again. i could feel eyes staring at us but i didnt care. this was our moment. the moment we've proved our ghosts wrong.

i got tired smiling for the cameras. being a champion feels good. people keep flocking to us, asking for shots and smiles for the camera.

being a champions feels good. looking forward to feel the same thing again in ppm. :D