felicity

yes, im aware that my scheduled interview for the medical school admission is due this week, and i should be spending more time prepping myself for it and scouring through tonnes of health issues and tips to help me get over the nervousness ticks, but something's came up on my mind these days that i cant think of anything else at the moment. such a bad timing, i know. but good things always come out of bad situations when they chose to come out at such bad timings, right? i hope so. 

last weekend i went to school for a visit, and was lucky enough to spend some time with the debaters. well, only the two of them, but still, i get to meet some if not all of them. yes, i miss them big time, and i was feeling a bit guilty to know that debate had been out of my mind for a few months now. it's crazy, because i used to ALWAYS think about it before, and now it's nothing but just a passing thought to me. 

ive come to terms that i wanted to forget all about debating, and am not planning to continue debating, not in college, and for the rest of my life. partially it's because i dont think that i will have much time in my hands especially now that im going to pursue a tough course, and basically because i dont think i would want to team up with anyone else than the grenade girls. it's stupid, i know, but being others' 2nd speaker makes me feel clueless, if not bad. besides, im not that good anyway. i can assure you that im not going to make it through the top 10 even if i put my heart to it. 

i will do everything in my power to be an extremely talented, professional, dedicated doctor, including deleting my FB account. i even made the toughest decision ever by pushing aside my personal and health matters just to realize that one dream i'd have since forever. i can ignore all the complications that may take place. even if i wont make it to the top, at least i get to be a doctor and live the rest of my life for others, knowing that im doing something to save lives every single day that i live. that's fine. i can live with that kind of failure. 

but somewhere along the way, ive met a fork in the road. one path leads to my dreams, that requires me to be selfish as i take it, but will be paid off with something worth living for when i get to the end of the tunnel. the other screams loyalty and hope that i have for others, but might require me to sacrifice some things which i might not be able to. it's complicated, but somehow, there'll never be a win-win situation. a decision has to be made, and whichever path i decide to take, i'll have to bear with the consequences. 

of course i love these girls, and i love debating more than anything else. but at some point in life, you have to learn to let go and be strong. i have more things waiting for me in the future, and even though debating might not be a part of it, at least it has a permanent spot in my mind, and im not planning to replace it with anything else. you know, you never run out place in your heart to love more things, it just grows bigger and bigger all the time.